A toddler ad-fibs, 'It wasn't me'

Q. My almost-3-year-old is starting to figure out that he can lie when asked if he ripped the book, threw the food, hit his brother, etc. Totally normal, I know. How do we respond? I don't want to punish the lying because I know he's experimenting.

A. I love a good question about lying, especially when it is about a 2-year-old. I know it is perplexing and even upsetting for many parents, but I remember looking down at each of my children, smiling and listening to them sweetly lie to me.

"Mom, I didn't eat the chocolate," with the evidence smeared across her face and "Mom, I took a bath," as dirt was streaked across her legs. I smiled then, and I smile to think of it now.

I also love this question because you recognize that this young man is trying something new, so you are smart to not want to punish him. It would bring guilt and shame to innocence, and exacerbate the lying.

Your child is not planning to lie to you. He does not have the neurological development to think, "First, I am going to hit my brother, then when Mom asks me if I did it, I will deny it." There is no planning in these acts; he is simply reacting to his emotions, moment to moment.

But why lie? He is holding the ripped book. It seems logical that he would say, "Yes! I ripped it." Sense would mandate that even a young brain would see that the obvious answer is yes. But he denies it. Why?

When he was a baby, your son was locked into your every move, especially your eyes. He registered every feeling you had, and because children are naturally egocentric, he assumed they were all about him. He smiled and clapped; you smiled and clapped. He cried, and your eyebrows would knit together. Likewise, you would smile at him, and his face would light up! You would scowl (after receiving bad news) while looking at him, and he would assume it was about him. He might frown. Or act panicked. Or cry. He largely still feels this way. Your son is not mature enough to understand all of your feelings.

What does this have to do with lying? When he has done something "bad," and you ask him if he did it, he sees angry eyebrows or maybe a concerned look. He sees your mouth turned down, and he panics. His brain sends a message along the lines of "Oh no! My main connection is not happy with me! Get rid of this feeling. Now." And before you know it, he says, "I didn't do it." He simply wants to escape the feeling of discomfort, the feeling of disappointing you.

Notice I am using the word "feeling," rather than the word "thought." Adults are constantly inundated with thoughts. But young children are guided and led by deep emotions that they aren't consciously aware of.

Essentially, we force young children to lie to us when we angrily ask them questions and put them on the spot.

To sidestep the lie and address the infraction, skip the questions that provoke a lie. When you know your youngster has broken something, hurt someone, thrown something, destroyed something or done anything else you don't approve of, you don't need to ask about it. Simply say, "OK, we have a ripped book here. Let's fix it." Or, "Your brother has been hit; let's get him some ice." Or, "The toy has been thrown and broken; let's figure out a way to make this right."

We are not glossing over the infraction. We are addressing the act right away (and even this may evoke shame in the child, so pay close attention to him).

You may be wondering, "Is there ever a time when I can punish or give a consequence to a child for something he has done?" Well, kind of.

As he matures, there will be opportunities to hold your child accountable and, yes, take some privileges away.

But he is too young to understand what is happening, and a consequence will not bring it into clearer focus for him.