How to handle feuding friends

Remember when we were kids and there was some big fight in our gang of friends? Inevitably everybody started to take sides and all of a sudden we were expected to choose one friend as being "right" and other as being "wrong." No room here for open-mindedness, shades of gray or indecision - we were supposed to pick our side and pick it now!

Thank goodness we've all grown up and such childish feuds are a thing of the past.

Yeah, right.

Granted that most of us don't hang with the neighborhood gang anymore, we are all still involved in myriad intertwining relationships. There are our friends at work, at the health club, at church, in the local civic group, in our adult education class, or among the other parents we meet at our kid's various activities. And I guess there can even be a bit of a neighborhood group if we live in an area with neighborhoods.

And guess what? We grown-ups sometimes don't seem to do all that much better a job of getting along than kids do.

We are probably more subtle about it. It's been a while since somebody called me a name (to my face), threw a dirt clod at me or refused to talk to me. On the other hand, we adults have a whole other arsenal of weapons we use in our disagreements. We call each other names (just more polite ones), throw guarded insults, and tactfully snub our opponents. And we still expect our friends to take sides.

I will concede there are a few rare situations in which one person is clearly right and the other is clearly wrong. But most of the time when our friends feud we can see not only both sides to their argument but also a good deal of gray area in between. And we are usually aware of how both of them have contributed to the argument to begin with, what they both might have done to avoid it, and maybe even what they both might do to end it.

So why can't we just stay friends with both of them?

Maybe we can. But to do so we're going to have to follow a few simple rules:

• Stay out of it if we can. In some situations we can say to both of our feuding friends, "I really care about you both. I'm really bothered that you're arguing, and I want to stay friends with both of you. So let's not talk about it."

• Don't take sides. Let's say it is important for us to get involved (maybe we have a unique perspective or can really make a difference in settling things). The first thing we need to say to both parties is that, though we will try to help, we will not take sides.

• Stay emotionally detached. It is easy to get caught up in other people's emotions, especially when we are close to them. Chances are, though, it's the emotional stuff that is making our friends' problem so hard to solve. We can be empathic ("That sure sound tough," or "You sound really hurt") without getting emotionally involved ourselves.

• Promote constructive communication. It is amazing just how much trouble can be caused because we aren't communicating well. If we can help our friends understand what they are really saying to each other, we may make a big difference in settling their differences. That doesn't mean we become a go-between carrying messages back and forth. It does mean that when we are with either friend we ask them to clarify what they are trying to say and what they are hearing. And if we discover our two friends aren't communicating all that well, we can point this out and suggest that they perhaps just concentrate on understanding each other before they go any further in hurting each other.

• Offer suggestions (not solutions) only when asked. We may have a pretty good idea of what the problem is and what needs to happen to solve it. So that we don't become a third party to the dispute, however, we want to offer our ideas only if sincerely asked by our friends. And even then we need to a) frame them as suggestions ("Well, maybe one thing that might help is …"), b) make sure our analysis doesn't implicate one friend and not the other, c) make sure any changes or sacrifices involve both friends equally, and d) don't get too invested in our own idea (most people don't like somebody else's solution to a problem they haven't been able to solve themselves).

• Be extra friendly to both friends. It is a sure thing that both friends will be overly sensitive to any hint that we are favoring one over the other. We want to go out of our way to do whatever we can to reassure and reinforce both friendships. They are probably as concerned about losing us as friends as we are about losing them.

If we are lucky, we may be able to get away with only worrying about the first and last suggestions above. Since we probably shouldn't count on luck, though, we also need to keep in mind the other rules I've listed. Good friends, even feuding ones, are hard to find.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."