'Transporter' reboot comes down with a case of the stupids
Near the end of Camille Delamarre's IQ-challenged reboot of Luc Besson's "Transporter" franchise, a villain takes four bullets in the chest, then inexplicably transforms into a dummy as he falls off a mountain into the ocean.
Really, a dummy, lightweight and stiff as a board.
Come to think of it, that describes a lot of the characters in "Transporter Refueled," a rip-roaring action thriller featuring the most inept police car drivers since "The Blues Brothers," the most ridiculous stunts since the last Hal Needham movie, and the stupidest characters since the last Pauly Shore comedy.
How stupid?
A Russian mobster named Yuri (Yuri Kolokolnikov) is told that bullets have been pulled out of the heads of his two accountants.
"They were shot?" Yuri asks.
See? It's hard to be an effective mob boss when you're so slow on the uptake.
The accountants were killed by femme fatale Anna (Loan Chabanol) as part of an elaborate scheme to rob a French Riviera bank with three seductive sidekicks.
She forces the Transporter, aka Frank Martin, to drive the getaway car, or she will kill Frank's kidnapped randy dad Frank Sr. (Ray Stevenson).
Frank Jr. used to resemble a .45 caliber bullet when thuggish Jason Statham played him in three "Transporter" thrillers. Now, Frank is played by Ed Skrein, alias Daario Naharis in "Game of Thrones." He's taller, ganglier and resembles Paul Bettany on steroids.
Statham's Frank used to abide by three rules: No names. Never change the deal. Never open the package.
Skrein's Frank can't even keep his dad from being abducted every other scene. He doesn't have time for rules.
Anna and her sidekicks dress like Deborah Harry clones with blonde wigs and slinky black dresses to rob the bank of Yuri's money.
Later, while viewing video footage of the robbery, Yuri's sexy prostitute-turned-business-partner Maissa (Noémie Lenoir) shouts, "They're all wearing the same thing! You can't tell them apart!"
Somehow, Yuri and Maissa deserve each other.
Frank Jr. discovers that Anna's motive is revenge, not greed. She wants Eurotrash Yuri to pay for buying her from her mother for $500 when she was only 12.
But first, "Transporter Refueled" whisks us through obligatory action conventions, one a loopy, fantastic car chase through an airport. But most setups have been heisted from other much better films.
Frank's $175,000 Audi S8 sports car goes into really sloooow motion like a "Matrix" bullet-time shot every time he indulges in an overproduced chase scene.
(At least the Audi should tide us over until James Bond takes the wheel of his Aston Martin DB-10 - only 10 made in the world - for the upcoming "SPECTRE.")
Speaking of 007, screenwriters Besson, Adam Cooper and Bill Collage borrow a lot from Ian Fleming spy movies. Yuri's yacht recalls the Disco Volante from "Thunderball." Gassing a room of gangsters and partygoers comes from "Goldfinger," as does the Audi's shifting license plates.
Skrein acquits himself as the new Transporter, especially when the editors go full-throttle Jason Bourne on his fight scenes in the editing room.
But he can't win against stupidity, as evidenced when he steps out of his car to beat the bejeebers out of several unarmed baddies, instead of just driving away.
Early in the movie, Anna bluntly asks, "You think we're stupid, Frank?" Wisely, he doesn't answer.
Much later, Anna quotes novelist Alexandre Dumas and asks, "What if we're smarter than the Three Musketeers?"
Frank replies, "You're not that smart!"
Apparently, neither are the filmmakers.
“The Transporter Refueled”
★ ½
Starring: Ed Skrein, Ray Stevenson, Gabriella Wright, Tatiana Pajkovic
Directed by: Camille Delamarre
Other: A Relativity Europacorp Distribution release. Rated PG-13 for drug use, language, sexual situations, violence. 95 minutes