Teen's 'slight' actually a good sign for Dad

A friend of mine was lamenting what he thought was a slight by his teenage daughter. A noncustodial divorced dad, he had worked really hard to be a part of her life. They talked almost every day and, when she was younger, he had arranged for them to be together two or three times each week. Yet when he had called her a few days ago it had taken her three days to call him back.

"What did I do wrong?" he asked. "When we were together last weekend we had a great time."

"Hey, congratulations!" I replied. "You're being taken for granted."

Needless to say, my friend was not amused by my attempt at humor.

I guess being taken for granted probably doesn't really sound like anything to be congratulated about. If you think about it, though, my friend's dilemma actually points to his success as a father. He had done such a good job of being present in his daughter's life that now, as a 17-year-old, she is so secure in his love that she could be a normal teenager. She could get so wrapped up in her own stuff that she just didn't get around to calling him back.

I'm not promoting rudeness here. It is generally polite to return phone calls. It is also a sign of respect to return parents' phone calls (and just plain smart if these parents are paying the bills). And some phone calls do require an immediate response - I did suggest to my buddy that he and his daughter agree on a code word or something he could use when he needed her to call him back right away.

All in all, though, he really could see her lack of attentiveness as evidence of just what a good job he has done as a father.

It's not easy being a part-time parent, at least not if you want to be a good one. Most part-time parents I know are perpetually insecure about whether they are doing enough. And since they have a lot less time to do whatever "good enough" is, they wind up trying to cram an awful lot of quantity and quality into the parenting opportunities they do have.

Especially as children get older, this gets harder and harder to do. It is normal for teens in particular to carve out a little distance from their parents, even part-time parents. What allows them to do this comfortably (rather than in anger or despair) is their parents' ability to make them feel securely loved. When teens know their parents will be there for them when they need them and whatever they need them for, they are freed to go out into the world on their own a bit.

Here, then, was proof of my friend's success. When he and his daughter were together she gave every indication of enjoying being with him. She talked (sometimes nonstop) about what was going on in her life and her hopes and dreams for her future. She even was occasionally interested in what was going on in his life. And sometimes she actually asked for his advice. She knew he was there for her, even when she didn't need him to be, even when she forgot to return his phone calls.

Hey, what more could a dad ask for?

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."