Ties that bind sometimes need to be stretched

Editor's note: This column is the final installment in a three-part series.

A number of years ago I worked as a therapist with families in which child abuse had occurred. Such situations are always difficult for everybody involved. I found one aspect, however, to be particularly troublesome.

Though physically abused, and often neglected, the children in these families usually refused to tell me what had happened. Try as I might, they remained silent or evasive.

Perhaps these children simply were afraid of their parents' revenge for revealing the "family secret." Yet, often the children involved were safe in foster homes.

Possibly they did not want the truth told because they just wanted to go home. Yet, frequently visitation and family counseling were part of our plan, and we made it very clear to everybody that our goal was to reunite the family as soon as possible.

Ultimately, I came to see a much deeper reason for the children's resistance. Family theorists such as psychologist I. Boszormenyi-Nagy (whose ideas we have been discussing) call it simply "family loyalty."

Abused, neglected, frightened (sometimes for their very lives), the children I worked with refused to "betray" their families by giving me the information that, ironically, I needed to help their families. There is something so powerful, so pervasive in being family that it superseded even the children's need for physical safety. Blood really is thicker than water.

Deny it, resist it, there exists a bond of loyalty to one's family that is difficult, if not impossible, to break. We may feel misunderstood, abused, betrayed and rejected by our families, yet we will remain loyal. Our loyalty can be so binding that we deny any family failings or our own pain and anger at them.

And therein lies the problem with family loyalty. Too often we confuse loyalty with unconditional acceptance of family dysfunction.

Every family has its strengths and weaknesses. As family members we have the right, and the responsibility, to work within our families to make them healthier. And, at times, that means sharing our pain and anger at how the family is (or isn't) working.

In fact, confronting our family with such issues may be the ultimate form of loyalty: sacrificing our short-term comfort and security in the family in order to help family members work toward a better life together.

Fortunately, such confronting does not have to be done alone. Often other family members are aware of a particular problem and will join us in bringing it to the attention of the family. Or we may choose to use a family therapist who can serve as an ally in our efforts to bring about change.

Family loyalty, then, is yet another tie that binds all families together. However, it is not intended to choke off family change and growth. Within the family we must remain free to work toward health, even though that means stretching our "bindings" now and then.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."