Encourage kids to speak their minds, even if you don't agree

"Are we late, Dad?"

"No, we're doing just fine." I was pleasantly surprised that my then-5-year-old youngest daughter was concerned about getting to school on time.

"Oh, good. You see, I was planning a stop at Dunkin' Donuts."

She was planning a stop at Dunkin' Donuts? My pipsqueak daughter, who just 20 minutes previously had insisted she didn't want the relatively healthy breakfast I'd offered, now had decided she would instead partake of large quantities of fried dough and processed sugar?

My knee jerk parental response was less than brilliant.

"You were planning? Honey, we don't just stop for doughnuts because you want to. Doughnuts are a special treat, like dessert, and I'll decide when we can get them."

OK, I did have the right - and need - as a parent to exercise my authority over my child's diet. And I did need to teach her that she really couldn't conveniently protest her lack of hunger one minute and her imminent starvation the next.

But what I missed was a chance to also praise her independent thinking, her assertiveness and her articulateness in presenting her plan. I mean, it took some rather mature (although a bit devious) reasoning on her part to work through the morning's schedule, her tastes in breakfast cuisine and the options available. And she certainly was both forceful and well-spoken in her presentation.

We want our children to learn to think for themselves, to problem-solve, to stand up for themselves, to express themselves well. Yet sometimes when they do so, it also feels like they are challenging - if not downright defying - our authority as parents. Finding the balance between encouraging our children's healthy autonomy and maintaining appropriate parental control is one of the most challenging tasks we face.

There are at least a couple of things we parents can do.

First, we can learn as much as possible about stages in child development and how much freedom and responsibility children can and should handle at each stage. The more we learn, the better we can make informed decisions as parents about what our children can - and can't - handle at a particular age.

Second, we can praise our children's push for independence - especially when it is done in a mature way - even when we don't grant that independence. To tell a child that we appreciate how well they have thought out what they want, or how well they have expressed their opinion, even if we don't agree or can't go along with what they want, at least affirms their growing maturity.

Our children won't necessarily walk away happy, but at least they'll know we know they're making an effort.

I actually wound up sometimes letting my daughter decide when we go out for breakfast. I set parameters - for instance, a week's worth of going to bed on time, picking up her room, eating a healthy supper, putting her dishes in the dish washer - and she got to pick one morning a week for a special privilege.

I got a child who was learning to be more responsible, she got a chance to make a decision on her own. That's a pretty good trade.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."