Four ways to be a better listener

We all like to be listened to. The people we value most in our lives include those who are willing - and know-how - to listen to us. The best family relationships, the best friendships, the best marriages include a good deal of sensitive and skillful listening.

What makes a good listener? Well, that all depends on what the goal of our listening is.

In my view, listening should:

• Help us understand what the other person is really saying;

• Help others to better understand what they are saying; and

• Create a foundation of understanding upon which decisions can be made and actions taken.

On the other hand, listening should not involve judging, correcting or directing.

If those are the goals of our listening, then there are four things we can do to work toward them. (These four ideas have come out of research done on just what type of listening is really helpful for other people.)

First, good listening must start with what is called "unconditional positive regard." We value and respect others just for being. Whether we approve or disapprove of what they do, we appreciate others as children of God, just as we are.

Second, good listening involves empathy. We need to sense and understand what others feel as they talk. I'm talking more about the emotions involved. Often other people will not directly tell us what they are feeling, but it will color everything they say. We then have to be aware of the "emotional content" of what we are listening to.

Third, we need to accept the feelings and thoughts of others as being just as legitimate as our own. We might not feel angry in the same situations, but we need to accept their anger as it is. We may not interpret something the same way they do, but that doesn't make us right and them wrong. We all have an equal right to our own emotions and view of things.

Fourth, to be a good listeners we need to communicate our unconditional positive regard, empathy and acceptance. This is also called "reflective listening." "I hear you saying ..." or "it sounds like you feel ..." are two of the phrases we can use to communicate our listening.

That's good listening at its simplest. There is much more involved than we have space to discuss here. Once a foundation of understanding has been built, we will probably go beyond just listening. We may be asked for advice. We may need to correct misinformation. Or we may decide to express disagreement and even act on that disagreement.

We aren't born good listeners. Listening is a skill we learn through training and practice. I strongly recommend many of the communication skills seminars and courses offered by community colleges and service agencies.

Listen. It's amazing what we can hear.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."