Men can - and should - express 'feminine' emotions

Are men fragile? Emotionally fragile?

A good many wives would probably answer "yes."

It seems to me that many of our marriages operate on the assumption that men just cannot deal with feelings. We believe husbands and fathers cannot really be sensitive, empathic and tender. We become concerned when they actually do show their emotions, especially if they seem sad or unhappy. We try to shelter them from things that might upset them or get them angry.

Although, as a man, I'd like to protest that all of this is inaccurate and unfair, the reality is that there is more than a bit of truth in such assumptions. When it comes to handling emotions, men are, in fact, often the weaker sex.

Some of this has to do with how men are raised in our culture. Generally, we are taught early on that being emotional is somehow just not masculine. To be gentle, caring and compassionate is frequently associated with being feminine.

Similarly, we are also taught we should not let others see when we feel sad or unhappy. "Don't let it get you down." "Tough it out." "Big boys don't cry." Male slang is filled with all sorts of proscriptions against such feelings.

On the other hand, frustration, anger and even rage often are seen as some of the few emotions that are acceptable for men to display. They somehow exhibit strength and power in male mythology, especially if accompanied by a threat of or display of physical violence.

That may have worked for cave men, but it doesn't help men all that much in marriages in the 21st century. Yet a good many of us don't know any different, so we go on being emotionally inept, often without even being aware of it.

Unfortunately, many wives don't help things by accepting their husbands' "disability." There is at times a condescending quality to this acceptance ("Men, they're all just little boys"). There certainly can be a good deal of frustration as well.

Tragically, there is also more than a bit of fear associated with such acceptance. Men too often use their emotions, especially anger or rage, to bludgeon others into submission. Though such emotional (and sometimes physical) coercion lets off steam and also gets us our own way, it is also incredibly destructive to our relationships.

There is a lot more we could say about this whole idea; a good many books have been written about it. Let me make just a few suggestions here on what we might do to improve things.

I'm afraid most of the work falls to us guys. We've got some catching up to do. We need to think about all this, maybe do some reading, talk to people about it, and perhaps even get some help. And we're going to have to work at it. Getting in touch with our emotions and then learning how to share them constructively is not going to be easy.

Wives have a role in all this as well. They need to expect and demand that men act as emotional adults. To do any less is an insult. Most important, emotional coercion should never be tolerated. It has to be labeled for what is it and stood up to. And if such coercion is accompanied by physical threat or violence, immediate action, whether walking out the door or calling the police, must be taken.

Dealing with feelings is an integral part of being a whole. It is central to the health of all our relationships. As long as men continue to be emotionally fragile, we will be less as people, less as husbands, less as fathers, less as friends. We don't have to settle for less.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."