Husband, wife must be on same page about Grandpa

Q. My father-in-law is a classic jerk; he neglected and hit my husband throughout his childhood and teen years. As adults we have little to do with him, and I've taken a laissez-faire approach to his belittling comments.

That all went out the window, though, when I became a mother and he, a grandfather.

Because the baby was premature we asked everyone to get the CDC-recommended vaccine boosters and to respect our privacy in the hospital. However, he brazenly showed up, insisted the vaccines were pointless and took my baby out of my arms (had I not been on two machines and a blood drip I would have fought him off).

Weeks later, I agreed to bring the baby to a family gathering at his home. That day he informed us that his wife had bronchitis but was feeling better due to antibiotics. I refused to allow the baby in his home and my husband and I had a huge falling out over it (he still takes his dad's side).

His father then insisted on dropping by with a gift - three stuffed Disney princesses! My father-in-law knows that I'm a staunch feminist, as he teases me about it whenever he can. Why make her a consumer dimwit before she even decides she likes those characters?

Can I limit her time around him knowing he is making a point of not respecting our rules and boundaries?

A. Of course, if she didn't have a father and you didn't have a husband.

But since those spaces are occupied by the son of this "classic jerk," your only good options are the ones you come to both as co-parents and as husband and wife.

As a parent, you'll want to throw his princesses back in his face. As a spouse, though, you have an important role in supporting your husband's desire to solve this difficult father of his.

And as a human at the beginning of a looong road, you have a large personal stake in choosing battles wisely - as in, picking ones that still make sense decades from now. I respectfully submit that the political messages of toys she receives before she can crawl won't make the cut.

You have a fragile baby, a scarred husband and an abusive grandpa. Fighting every battle is a luxury you can't afford. So, establish priorities. First, protect your child. Second, support your husband. Third, manage your father-in-law.

The seed of every good decision toward these priorities is in your marriage. You and your husband need to talk about each of your goals with respect to his father. Then, figure out what achieving your goals would look like. Next you talk about where you can and can't compromise, all through the lens of your child's well-being. You, for example, agree to accept gifts you deplore, and he agrees to back you publicly even when he reflexively sides with Dad.

Keep in mind that your husband likely chose you in part because you're as strong or stronger than his dad; you can reinforce your husband where he's weakest (something he likely does for you in other ways). The trick to being strong for someone else is in maintaining the perspective he can't.

• Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at 11 a.m. each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.