Relationship may need more than apology to repair it

Sometimes "I'm sorry" just isn't enough.

There's the sixth time in a row we were late for a date. Or the incredibly cruel things we said to our spouse when we'd had too much to drink. How about the costly mistake we made on the job because we weren't paying attention? And let's not forget the time we blatantly cut in front of someone in the ticket line because we were in a hurry and late already. In situations like these, "Gee, I'm sorry" just doesn't seem to cut it.

All relationships - whether they involve family, work, school, or just the person in front of us in line - are played out in an intricate maze of loyalties, commitments and responsibilities. And our relational partners expect balance, fairness and consistency as this maze is negotiated.

It is unreasonable to expect that any of us will be perfect in this process. And when our imperfection is repeated time after time, when we allow ourselves to lose control, when the magnitude of our mistake is beyond reasonable limits, when our transgression is obviously intentional, the normal rituals for apologizing for such failings are likely not sufficient. In such situations we need to incorporate a number of distinct steps into rectifying our wrongs.

The first is confessing. Before we even say "I'm sorry" we need to lay out in detail what we believe we have done wrong. The person we are apologizing to needs to hear from us that we really do know exactly what we have done to them.

Second, we need to clearly ask for forgiveness. As uncomfortable and awkward as it may sound, sometimes we just have to go a step beyond "I'm sorry" and say "Please forgive me." It is riskier (what if we aren't forgiven?) and involves a good deal of humility (if not humiliation), but it is often necessary to take this additional step.

Offering restitution is the third step necessary to restore our relationships. When we let someone else down, we "owe" them. Our relationship is out of balance. Sometimes we need to repay our debt, to put things back in balance. A bouquet of flowers, a letter expressing our feelings, doing extra work around the house, putting in overtime at work, even getting professional help may be required to make things right.

Finally, reconciliation needs to take place. After a serious relational transgression it takes time for things to return to some semblance of normalcy. Sooner or later, though, we do need to put it all behind us. That doesn't mean things go back to the way they were. Instead, we find a new, and hopefully better, way of dealing with the issue or failing that created the problem in the first place.

Sometimes apologizing is a lot more complicated that we expect. Not investing the time and the energy to confess, ask for forgiveness, offer restitution, and reconcile, however, can mean that our relationships will never heal.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."