Tantrums, distraction and social butterflies are all just part of growing up

Our 2-year-old stomps her feet, looks defiantly into our eyes, and tells us in no uncertain terms that she is not going to bed.

When we ask our 6-year-old to pick up his toys, 10 minutes later we find the family room still a mess and our son busy playing with the second thing he picked up.

Our 16-year-old has very clearly defined social priorities. Family is on the list, we are sure, but we suspect we're somewhere behind her current boyfriend, best girlfriends, casual acquaintances, and anybody else she might meet in the near future.

Believe it or not, this is the way it's supposed to be. I don't mean we just sit back and let our kids do whatever they want, or that we won't get more than a bit frustrated with their behavior at times, or that we won't have to remind them every so often that they are part of a family.

What I do mean is that we parents need to recognize that what's going on with them probably fits fairly well with the normal developmental tasks of children their ages.

Two-year-olds, for example, are trying to figure out just exactly how much power and control they really do have over their own lives. As kids this age are not exactly rational, their attempts at asserting themselves are filled with all kinds of emotional outbursts - angry looks, hysterical crying, defiant pouting.

A 6-year-old lives in the world of fantasy. And how, why, what if and when are questions always on their minds. Don't ask a 6-year-old to sit down and set goals and figure out how to accomplish them. For that matter, don't expect a 6-year-old to remember from one moment to the next the goals or tasks you set for them. And this chronic absent-mindedness usually has little to do with learning disabilities or defiance or selfishness, or whatever else we might be tempted to suspect. They just live in a different world.

Remember when we were 16? The job of 16-year-olds is to figure out just where they fit into the world. This is primarily a relational question. For younger teens especially, sorting out what type of person they are through sorting out what type of person everybody else is, and how all this fits together, is the most important thing in the world (and if that sounds confusing, it is). It's not that family isn't important. It's just that if we've done a good enough job as parents, they trust us enough to focus on those relationships that are more tenuous.

We do need to set what we think are reasonable limits for our 2-year-old. And we ought to expect that our 6-year-old learn to focus enough to be responsible for his space and his things. And we want to make it clear to our 16-year-old that she is part of a family and has commitments and obligations to it. Understanding where they are at developmentally, however, certainly makes it a lot easier on us as a parent as we try to do all this.

One last complication: There is also Dad's or Mom's developmental stage to factor into all this. As a middle-aged male, for example, I am working through such issues as wanting to contribute something to this world, the growing importance of relationships to me, and my awareness that life has its limits. All of these influence how I do my job as a parent.

If you're interested in learning more about such stages of development, you can find many good books on this topic in the family life or psychology sections of the library or book store. Also check out what your local community college, church or community center offers in the way of seminars, classes or workshops on parenting.

One last thought: Just remember, as soon as you're sure you've figured out how to deal with your children's current developmental stage, they'll grow into another one.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."