Families can work together to improve communication

• This is the final column in a three-part series.

We've been talking about the role of information in the family. I've suggested that the sharing of information is very important to the overall health of a family. I also pointed out four factors that can influence such communication either positively or negatively: style of thinking, our self concept, trust, and communication skills.

This week we're going to talk about what we can do to improve such information sharing. I'm going to offer some ideas you can try out in your own family.

• Observing: Thinking about the ideas I've shared, watch how you share information within your family. When do you talk? What do you talk about? How clear is your communicating? How well do people listen? How do they respond to what they hear? You might even jot down some notes about what you observe.

• Experimenting: Pick one thing you do that you would like to do differently, better, or perhaps stop doing altogether. For example, maybe you need to listen better. Or perhaps you need to be more accepting and less critical of what others say. Concentrate on the changes you can make; don't try to change everyone else.

Then decide to change. For example, practice listening. Then check out whether or not you're on target ("I heard you say …"). Or work on making only empathetic, caring comments when someone tells you something ("Yeah, that must be hard," or "Sounds great, good job!").

• Sharing: Share your observations about yourself and the changes you've tried. Ask other family members to join in observing how the entire family communicates. Schedule another meeting a week or so later to discuss your findings.

• Changing as a family: When you come back together, share what you've all learned. Avoid blaming by letting everyone talk about themselves - their own strengths, their own weaknesses.

Next, if everyone is willing, plan one thing the family can do together to improve a troublesome area of your family's information sharing. Try it, then work on other areas one at a time.

• Get help: If you or your family gets stuck, find some help. Read a book together on family communication. Take a class on communication. Or work with a family counselor. There are resources designed specially to help families communicate better.

Our families need to know. Sharing information with our spouse, children or parents is crucial to family health and happiness. When it comes right down to it, the closeness that comes from really sharing - speaking, listening, being heard - is what being a family is all about.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."