How we share affects family's well-being

This is the first column in a three-part series.

The term "information economy" is in vogue among media commentators, academicians and others. They suggest our economic well-being will be determined by the amount of information we have and how effectively we communicate it.

When it comes to families, that's not such a new idea. Family well-being has always been determined to some extent by how well we share, or fail to share, information within the family.

Some family therapists go so far as to maintain that poor communication is the foremost problem that troubled families face. These therapists suggest that, once our methods of information sharing are strengthened, most family problems will take care of themselves.

I wouldn't go that far, but I am convinced that the failure to effectively share information plays a big part in the problems of the families that come to me for help. And once we have opened up such clogged communication channels, we find we have taken a major step toward solving these problems.

You would think sharing information would come naturally. After all, we've been doing it all our lives. But there are a number of reasons it doesn't come all that easily. We'll take some space this week and the next two to discuss some of these reasons.

For starters, our style of thinking plays a role in how we share - or don't share - information. Some of us keep most of our thoughts to ourselves. We'll think through an experience or problem for hours or days and not let anyone else in on what is going on until we have processed it ourselves. Then we will probably share our thoughts in a few succinct, well-thought-out sentences (and that's if we share at all).

Others of us tend to do much of such processing out loud. We enjoy sharing our life in the rough, so to speak, before we've necessarily put it in order. We are eager to tell our spouse or children what's going on and can do so openly and easily.

All of us tend to fall somewhere between the two extremes. There are advantages to both approaches. The "internal processor" is often easier to follow and understand in what he or she shares. On the other hand, the "external processor" comes across as more open, spontaneous and engaging.

Obviously, both approaches have some pitfalls as well. When we do most of our work internally, others can see us as closed, inhibited, even intimidating. We can be awfully hard to get close to.

Likewise, when we are externally oriented, we can seem disorganized, confused and confusing. The sheer volume of information we share can overwhelm our listeners to the point where they miss what is really important or just stop listening. And our constant sharing may not leave much time for anybody else to say anything.

Take a minute and think about information sharing in your family. Who are the internal processors, the external processors? How does this help communication? How does this get in the way?

Next week we'll take a look at the effect of three additional factors: self-concept, trust and communication skills. The week after, we'll talk about what we can do to improve information sharing in our families.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."