No matter how you got to be family, be thankful for each other

Let me tell you about a family I know; let's call them the Millers. Jim, 42, and Rita, 39, have been married for five years. This is the second marriage for both.

A lot of Jim and Rita's life centers on their children. Brian, 18, and Robert, almost 16, are Jim's children from his first marriage. They don't live full time with Jim and Rita, but with their mother in the next suburb over. They are close enough that they stay over most weekends and often drop by Jim and Rita's house after school.

Tammy, 16, and 12-year-old Bob (who is actually a Robert, too) are Rita's children from her first marriage. They do live full time with Jim and Rita. Robert (Jim's son) and Tammy attend the same high school. They even get along most of the time.

To round things out, Jim and Rita believed it was important to their marriage to have at least one child of their own: James Jr., who is 4 years old. Sometimes they look back on this decision from a bit of a "what where we thinking" perspective but really can't imagine the family without Jim Jr.

That's quite a family, and a quite a financial responsibility. Jim works as an electrician during the day. Until this year he also had a night job as a security guard and worked weekends with Rita's brother roofing houses. This year, with Jim Jr. in preschool, Rita has gone back to work as a grocery checker and Jim Sr. has been able to quit his security work. It's nice to have him home; Rita was getting pretty stressed out handling all those kids on her own, and she missed having the man she married around the house.

I should probably mention the exes. Jim gets along OK with his former wife. She remarried quickly and is pretty wrapped up in her new life. She is glad to have Jim's help with the two boys. She even is civil to Rita.

Rita's ex-husband is another matter. He is almost a year behind in child support, constantly forgets the visitation schedule, and seems to go out of his way to make trouble. Jim doesn't have a lot of use for him.

Jim and Rita live in Rita's house as it made the most sense economically and for the kids. It happens to be around the corner from Rita's parents' place, which is not necessarily the best situation. Rita's mother still treats Rita like a little girl. Actually, that was one of the issues in Rita's first marriage. Jim doesn't have any problems with Rita's father, but he does make it a point not to spend much time around her mother. They both try to maintain a safe distance from each other at family gatherings.

Jim's folks live in a small town in Indiana. Jim and Rita try to visit at least three or four times a year. As Jim is the middle of five siblings, the rest of whom all live within an hour or so of their parents, trips back home usually involve huge family gatherings. So far Rita and her kids have felt welcome and accepted, though sometimes they feel lost in this herd of in-laws.

The Millers do not have the easiest life, but they get by. Jim and Rita both have admitted they may have bitten off a bit too much in trying to combine their two families. The first couple of years were awfully tough. They hardly had time to get used to each other as husband and wife, let alone figure out how to get four, then five, children to fit together. At least once they considered giving up but worked with a family therapist and were able to hold things together. Jim and Rita look forward now to seeing the three older kids off to college or at least out on their own. Just between us and them, they'd like some time to just enjoy being married.

My guess is you know the Millers too. For no matter what name they go by, the Millers are the typical American family. In fact, only 25 percent of families fit into what is called the traditional model: first marriage, father as sole income earner, mother as household manager, children all biologically descendants of both parents. It is estimated that at least 85 percent of our children will live at one time or another in some sort of single-parent or blended family like the Millers.

A good many of us this week will be gathering around the Thanksgiving table with a family similar to the Millers. Perhaps our children are spending part or all of the holidays with our ex, or perhaps our step‑children are with us. And who knows what combination of in-laws we might put together.

We won't look like the "Ozzie and Harriet" family, or the "Donna Reed" family, or the "Father Knows Best" family. We're not even "The Brady Bunch." But even back in the '50s, the supposed heyday of the traditional family, fewer than half of American families fit into that mold. Actually, throughout the long history of the family, there has really never been just one "normal" way of being family. As with most human institutions, the family is constantly changing, adapting and struggling. It always has and, I suspect, always will.

But we are still family. We are a group of people held together by a variety of bonds - legal, residential, economic, biological, emotional, historical and so forth. And we are choosing to try to be family for each other. We may not always do a good job of it, but we try.

And we can certainly be thankful for that.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."