Alone in a crowd? It's a good place to learn about yourself

Everywhere you look there seems to be a new psychological test of one kind or the other. You can find them in all the self-help magazines and pop psychology books, and professional journals are regularly flooded with ads for one sort or the other.

Well, I think I have come up with one that is relatively inexpensive, easy to take and even enjoyable. I call it a "cinematic psychometric."

The whole idea occurred to me the other night when I went to see a movie. We arrived a bit early, so I had some time to just sit and watch people (one of my favorite pastimes). I was particularly interested in the people who had come to the theater alone. I counted more than a dozen such singles in the small auditorium.

I have always thought that one good measure of how much we like who we are - our self-worth - is how comfortable we are being alone. As I watched people come in, sit down and settle in, it struck me that an excellent measure of such self-worth would be how people deal with going to the movies on their own.

I observed three distinct styles of being alone in my "experimental population." (That's psychologese for "the people I was watching.")

First, some singles sat as far away from other people as possible and kept entirely to themselves. They did not look around, speak to anyone or make any effort to be social. Often they just looked down in their laps or off in space; one man brought a book that he stubbornly read even when someone else was trying to get past him.

These people, I decided, were not all that sure of themselves. They had erected a wall around themselves and were not going to let the rest of us get to know who they were. They didn't really like themselves, and suspected we wouldn't like them either. Even a smile or a friendly nod was too risky.

Second, some individuals tried to engage the people around them, almost frantically at times. They would sit in the middle of a crowd, look around frequently and searchingly, and start up a conversation about almost anything with whomever they could make eye contact with.

Though they acted self-confident, I read beneath their energetic socializing a good deal of anxiety. They too, I suspected, were unsure of themselves, but tried to mask it by being someone they weren't. You might say they tried so hard to be likable because they believed they really weren't very likable at all.

The third group seemed to have found a middle ground. They walked in casually and chose a good seat to watch the movie from - one that wasn't right on top of everyone else but not off in a corner either.

They smiled politely at people around them, even made a brief comment or two while stepping around someone (or being stepped around). They were perhaps reading a handbill of coming attractions, glancing around, smiling or nodding when they made eye contact. They seemed relaxed, friendly, at ease.

These people seemed to fairly radiate self-worth. They must like themselves enough to assume other people would too. And they were comfortable enough with themselves that they likewise didn't need to frantically connect with somebody just to reassure themselves that they were OK. Even from a distance I found myself attracted to these people.

OK, here's the test. What's it like for you to go to a movie alone? Which of the three groups do you best fit into? And what does that say about your own sense of self-worth?

If you see yourself as a person whose tendency is to defensively withdraw or anxiously engage in such situations, you might want to consider what gets in the way of your valuing yourself. What is missing from your sense of worth?

Having self-worth involves a number of dynamics: we must discover who we are and how we think, feel, etc.; we want to affirm what we like or see as valuable in ourselves; we have to forgive ourselves for our failings and work to correct them, to grow, to change; and we need to accept that we are human and will always be less than we can be.

That's a lot. We could write a book on each of those dynamics, but I think you get the idea. Building self-worth is a crucial part of making a meaningful and satisfying life. And it is a task that takes a lifetime as well.

I doubt I can sell my Cinematic Psychometric to anybody, but if you'd like to use it to check out your own sense of worth as a person, give it a try. I'd be glad to talk with you about your results.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."