Four ways to make sure your marriage continues to grow

Remember the friend who jocularly suggested at your wedding, "Well, it's downhill from here.'"

If you're like me, you probably just smiled, knowing all along that the marriage ceremony was just the beginning of a relationship that could never cease to grow deeper and stronger.

Surprise: Three, four, maybe five years later, we suddenly realize it just ain't so. The newness, the excitement, the variety that many of us found in courtship and the first few years of married life seems to have suddenly evaporated. And what is left is often a too comfortable routine that can border on being boring.

So what's wrong with a comfortable routine? I mean, one of the reasons we get married is to put an end to the uncertainty, the insecurity, and the loneliness of singleness, isn't it?

Sure. One of the foundations of any successful marriage is feeling certain of and secure in our spouse's love. The problem comes when, for one reason or the other, we let such feelings blind us to the need to continually work toward growth in our relationship.

Nothing ever stays the same. Sameness in marriage is simply stagnation - another word for slow death. A marriage grows, or dies. There are only these two alternatives.

If that's the case, then why do so many of us seem to choose stagnation to intentional growth. I can think of a number of reasons.

First, plain old carelessness often plays a part. We get sloppy or relax a bit too much in our marriage. We stop thinking about our relationship like we used to. It's just there. Carelessness leads to stagnation by default.

Another factor that contributes to stagnation is our focusing all our attention outside of the marriage. We get so caught up in work, or school, or hobbies, or friends, or being parents that we have little time or energy left over to cultivate our marriage.

A third reason stagnation occurs is often our fear of change and growth. As I've mentioned before, growth involves upsetting the apple cart a bit. Anything new or different is uncomfortable at first. We can choose not to change out of fear of these feelings.

Related to this is a fourth factor. Many of us see our marriage as so fragile that we are certain it cannot tolerate change - even change for the better. We envision our relationship as precariously perched on a precipice. The least bit of disruption will send us plunging into the abyss.

Such doubting of our relational strength is often a reflection of a deeper, underlying questioning of our own personal strength. We doubt our own ability to take control of our lives and make positive changes. Such self-doubt naturally infects our confidence in the marriage we are building.

There may seem to be some pretty good reasons to avoid change, when you think about it. But, like I said, when our marriages don't change, they die.

More often than not, our efforts to preserve the marital status quo, in fact, result in change anyway. But such change is usually unexpected, unplanned and destructive. One partner or the other, feeling unloved, unfulfilled, or smothered, desperately moves to shake things up, usually with disastrous results. Divorce is not uncommon in these marriages.

What do we do? Well, first, we've got to realize our marriage will change. Our choice is only whether we'll be in charge of the change.

Second, we have to be willing to risk such intentional change. We need to overcome our fear of our own weakness, or our belief in the fragility of our marriage. A growing marriage is risky, and worth it.

Third, we want to intentionally look at our marriage. That requires a continual sharing of our wants, needs, hopes, frustrations and fears. There is an art to doing this that takes a while to learn. Couples' communication courses are a good resource for developing such skills.

Fourth, we need to actually work toward growth. It takes work. It doesn't just happen. We will have both successes and failures, and, if we're lucky, learn from both.

Finally, it also takes two. Intentional growth in marriage must be a joint effort. Both husband and wife need to see growth as an important goal which they are willing to work together to achieve.

This is an all too brief look at growth in marriage. You might pick up a book like John Powell's, "The Secret of Staying In Love," attend a marriage enrichment program, or seek out a growth-oriented marriage counselor to help you better understand the way marriages grow and develop.

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."