Teens may be right: Parents really can't understand

"Dad, you just don't have a clue."

I should have known better. I'd made the mistake of suggesting to my preteen son that I might actually understand a bit what life is like at his age.

I should have known better for two reasons. First, when our children are between the ages of, say, 11 and 21, they hardly ever will grant us the conceit that we could possibly know anything about their world. Sure, we were once that age ourselves. Most of our children will grant us that (though I've found at times that I have to drag out old photos of myself to substantiate my claim). But few if any children will go the next step and admit that our experience might have any relevance to theirs.

Children similarly will deny we might have some understanding of their lives based on our accumulated knowledge and wisdom as adults. "Oh, sure, Dad, you might understand those other kids," (after all, I am a family therapist) "but that's not me!" In other words, we may have been their age, we may be able to figure out other kids their age, but we still are clueless when it comes to them.

Of course, our kids have to do this. They are trying to develop their own sense of autonomy and initiative. They need to put some distance between themselves and Mom and Dad if they are ever going to stand on their own two feet and set off on their own life's journey. Few things are as debilitating to preteens', teens' or young adults' sense of self than to find out that their parents have them all figured out. So even when we do know what's up (or at least come close), our maturing children will deny to their dying day (or at least until they are in their early 30s) that we have any real clue to what life is like for them.

The second reason I should have known better than to imply that I "had a clue" is that I probably don't have as much of a clue as I think. Our society has undergone another one of those watershed changes that will dramatically impact how different generations experience the world. Most of us parents of preteens, teens and young adults had our world shaped, if not deconstructed, by the impact of a postwar economic boom, rock 'n' roll music, the Civil Rights Movement, the war in Vietnam, the sexual revolution, the introduction of electronic media and communication, a number of economic downturns, two wars in the Middle East, terrorism and … what did I miss?

Actually, when we were preteens, teens or young adults and accused our parents of just not understanding us, we were probably right, too. Our parents' experience was profoundly different from our own. So our own "you just don't get it!" was often more true than not. (Of course, when it came to understanding our parents world, we didn't "get it" either.)

Now our own children's world is being shaped by forces just as powerful as those that shaped ours. I'm not sure we can identify them all yet, but certainly the continued development of the information/service economy, the dramatic changes in communication and consumption resulting from Internet applications, the changes in how families are structured as well as prolonged periods of both peace and prosperity (at least for our privileged corner of the world) all are playing a part.

We parents can - and need to - try to understand the impact of all this on our children. But we can never assume we truly know what it is like to be them. (Just because my dad knew the words to most Beatles songs before I did didn't mean he really knew what they meant.) Once again, things are just too different.

Before you put the paper down in despair, let me offer a word of hope. In the midst of this rapidly changing world, our children will still have to deal with the same developmental issues we did. Physical maturation (especially sexual), the role of emotions, the complexity of interpersonal relationships, the choice of a vocational direction, the search for meaning in life all will need to be dealt with in our children's world just as they were in ours. So if we have developed a bit of knowledge and wisdom from our own struggles with these issues, we may be able to help them with their struggles. We just have to do so tentatively, carefully and gently.

And I guess we also need to remember that when it comes to some things, we probably "just don't have a clue."

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend: A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."