Hell-o dolly! 'Annabelle' could be spawn of Chuckie
Not only does "Annabelle" lack the qualities that made the original "Conjuring" frightfully realistic, this preposterous prequel presents people so deprived of personality and perception that you almost root for the demons.
When young mother Mia (Annabelle Wallis) unthinkingly parks her baby in a crib next to a leering, creepy doll she knows to be demonically possessed, who should you call? A priest or DCFS?
Here, mumbling Mia and her bland, doctor-in-training husband John (Ward Horton) opt for the priest, Father Perez (Tony Amendola), a sacrificial lamb-of-God type straight out of Central Casting.
More about that poor guy in a moment.
We first met the possessed doll Annabelle at the beginning of James Wan's 2013 "The Conjuring," a thriller that admittedly employed its share of old-fashioned, demonic possession hokum. But Wan treated the story as a straight drama built around the "true" experiences of real-life married ghost hunters Ed and Lorraine Warren.
The result: a scary horror tale anchored in enough reality to warrant turning the lights on before bedtime.
For "Annabelle," Wan gives the director's chair to his "Conjuring" cinematographer John R. Leonetti, whose pedestrian approach doesn't improve Gary Dauberman's ridiculous plot twists, absurd character reactions and embarrassingly generic horror film dialogue.
("You cannot destroy what has not been created!" Father Perez pontificates.)
Here, Dauberman even fails to capitalize on Annabelle's marrow-freezing catchphrase scribbled in crayon on the walls of a nurses' apartment: "Miss me?"
"Annabelle" opens in 1970 with John giving his pregnant wife a large doll that could pass for the spawn of Chuckie. She's thrilled.
One night, cult members inspired by Charles Manson slaughter the couple next door in one of the few truly gripping moments in the movie, a scene filmed through Mia's open window glimpsing into the neighbors' house.
The cultists stab Mia before the cops kill them, and their evil blood drips into Annabelle's eyes. From then on, it's hell-o dolly!
A rocking chair moves by itself. The Jiffy-Pop container sets fire to the kitchen. A crayon rolls into the hallway from a vacant room. (Still never as frightening as that ball bouncing down the stairs in "The Changeling.")
"Annabelle" offers nothing we haven't seen before. It doesn't help that Wallis and Horton create two of the dullest people to ever give birth to a bubbly, bouncing baby, the most animated and charismatic cast member. (Strangely, the press notes for "Annabelle" do not identify this burbling actress.)
Alfre Woodard plays Evelyn, a functional bookstore owner who knows exactly what Mia needs the moment she tells her that her dolly might be possessed.
"Aisle 4!" says Woodard, making the best of a thankless role no doubt previously rejected by Morgan Freeman and Whoopi Goldberg.
"Annabelle" packs a few good scares (most of them ruined in the trailers), but these are meager returns in a horror movie where the baby outacts other cast members.
Sorry, Annabelle, but after this, we really don't miss you.
“Annabelle"
★ ½
Starring: Annabelle Wallis, Ward Horton, Alfre Woodard, Tony Amendola, Eric Ladin
Directed by: John R. Leonetti
Other: A New Line Cinema release. Rated R for violence. 95 minutes