'We know his brother is watching over him'

After a year of marriage, my husband, John, and I decided to try to get pregnant. Much to our disbelief, we were pregnant after only two months of trying. Several weeks later we went to the doctor, who confirmed we were pregnant and, in the same breath, said "with twins!"

Twins run in my family, but my doctor had told me my brother would be more likely to have twins since he was a twin himself. When the doctor informed us we were expecting twins, our jaws hit the floor. We were both excited and terrified. We told our friends and family and started to prepare for two little ones.

My pregnancy was a breeze - up until 20 weeks. The twins kicked each other a lot. Baby A loved to do flips and we could tell Baby A was going to be the troublemaker. Baby B was more relaxed but also loved to kick my stomach.

Prior to the 20 week mark, I had thrown up only once and wasn't in any discomfort. If it wasn't for my growing belly, it would have been easy to forget I was pregnant.

At 20 weeks, we went to see the doctor to find out the sex of the babies - two boys! We were so excited and eager to start planning the nursery. At the same appointment, we were told I had a short cervix. Being pregnant with twins, you are already informed that you are a higher risk for premature labor. With the short cervix, I was even more at risk.

The doctor was cautious but not too alarmed and told me I would be coming to see her every week. The following week I came in to check my cervix and it had gotten even shorter. After hooking me up to a monitor, they also noticed my uterus was "active," which resulted in a weekend hospital stay.

I was discharged to my home on bed rest. For the next two weeks, I was in and out of the hospital, stopping my preterm labor with injections. The fourth time I went into the hospital, they kept me on the antepartum unit. The next two and a half weeks went fairly smoothly in the hospital, although I never left the room. I was doing so well that I was able to wear my own clothes and even was scheduled to be discharged on a Monday, the day after Mother's Day.

The night before I was scheduled to be discharged I started to experience some pain in my lower back. I was hooked up to the monitor, seen by the doctor and given some medications, but they couldn't stop me from going into labor.

I was rushed to the OR for an emergency C-section. There were 18 nurses and doctors in the OR. Each boy had four nurses and a doctor. Baby A, Adam John, was born at 12:16 a.m. and Baby B, Ryan Patrick, at 12:17 a.m. We felt reassured when both babies came out making noise.

The nurses and staff got Adam cleaned up and took him upstairs to the NICU to be ventilated. The nurses were able to show us Ryan prior to taking him up to the NICU. After a few hours in the recovery room, my husband and I were taken up to the NICU to meet our sons. They were the most beautiful babies I had ever seen - very tiny but very mighty!

Adam was definitely the troublemaker. His arms and legs were constantly flailing about in his incubator. Ryan was more relaxed, but he would definitely let you know when his diaper was dirty or when he wanted to change positions. By six weeks after they were born, both boys had had their ups and downs, but they both had become stable and were doing very well. Both boys were in clothes and were working their way out of the incubator into a crib.

On a routine Wednesday night, my husband and I went to visit the boys after work. When we walked on the unit, the doctor informed us she was ordering an X-ray and giving Adam some antibiotics as he was having some symptoms that he had previously. About an hour later, the doctor informed us Adam had developed necrotizing enterocolitis, NEC, a horrific bacterial infection that attacks the intestines. Less than 24 hours later we lost our beautiful baby boy.

Throughout the entire evening and the next day, the doctors were optimistic that they had caught the symptoms early enough and that they could fight the infection. Adam's little body just couldn't take it. Our precious Adam passed peacefully in our arms. He did not feel any pain, but we are certain he felt how much we love him. My husband and I and our families said goodbye to our precious baby boy in the hospital.

We decided to have Adam cremated so that he could be at home with us. When we picked up the urn from the funeral home, it hit me like a ton of bricks that this was not the way I was supposed to bring my son home. Ryan remained in the NICU for another four months. It was a daily struggle to stay strong for Ryan while grieving for Adam and returning to the place where we lost him every single day.

Finally, Ryan was able to come home. He came home on oxygen and an apnea monitor, which he no longer needs; however he continues to struggle with feeding issues. His journey is not over, but we stay strong and ensure that he is meeting his goals and moving on to the next step. We have made it through the holidays, their first birthday, the anniversary of Adam's death - all have been struggle. It's a daily balancing act of grief and so much love at the miracle that Ryan is. We know his brother is watching over him and keeping him strong.

Although our situation is unusual, SHARE has been an amazing support and allows us so many opportunities to keep Adam's memory alive. SHARE assures us we are not alone in our journey through grief.