Ambivalence in decision making takes us nowhere

"Well, yes, I do. But, on the other hand, no I don't."

Technically, it's called ambivalence. And it can drive us crazy.

I guess we've all experienced situations in which we felt pulled in two, almost opposite directions. We want to lose weight and get in shape, yet we'd really like to forget the exercise bit and "pig out" whenever we feel like it.

We want to reinvest ourselves in our job, yet we also want to give it up and try something else. We want to spend the afternoon with our family, yet we'd sure like to go off on our own.

It's not that we're confused (often called ambiguity). We know what we want, but there is no way we can have (or do) it all.

Ambivalence reflects a number of underlying psychological dynamics. For instance, we are almost always uncomfortable with changes of any sort. We also usually want more than we can have.

All of us tend to seek out black and white answers in a world of gray, and become immobilized if we do not find them. And we often link our self-worth to being right in making choices, rather than in our just "being."

All such dynamics contribute to our ambivalence.

Tempting as it is, though, allowing ourselves to remain ambivalent doesn't work. Pulled both ways, we usually go nowhere. Wanting to "have our cake and eat it too," we get neither.

Fearful of making the wrong choice, we make no choice (and events and other people will eventually make them for us). Of course, we don't ever actually fail ("I didn't really try," or "it wasn't my decision ..."). Allowing ourselves to be powerless, we experience emotions of frustration, doubt, shame, anxiety, depression.

Now, there is a solution to such ambivalence, though it may not seem like much of one.

First, we need to acknowledge being ambivalent is a part of being human. There's no avoiding it.

Second, our solution requires that we accept our emotions around decision making and change.

Third, we have to believe that making the wrong decision, or failure, does not diminish our basic worth as people.

And, finally, it means we make decisions and act on them - even when we're only 51 percent sure of what we want or what's best.

The payoff? Well, at least we're going someplace. We do get some of what we want. We are taking charge of our lives by making choices. Most of the time, we will probably even make some good ones.

And, emotionally, we can often experience pleasure, peacefulness, confidence, pride, even energy as we move beyond our decision making dilemmas.

Ambivalent? We can make decisions, but, then again, do we really want to?

"Well, yes ... and no."

• Dr. Ken Potts is on the staff of Samaritan Counseling Center in Naperville and Downers Grove. He is the author of "Mix Don't Blend, A Guide to Dating, Engagement and Remarriage With Children."