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updated: 4/1/2013 5:09 AM

Imrem opens with some baseball predictions

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  • It's not so easy to predict just what will happen next for Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts and the future of Wrigley Field.

      It's not so easy to predict just what will happen next for Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts and the future of Wrigley Field.
    Associated Press

 
 

Oddsmaker Bovada has the White Sox at 40-1 (17th in the major leagues) to win the World Series this season and the Cubs at 75-1 (23rd).

On that optimistic note, here are some corresponding predictions:

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Tom Tunney won't throw out the first pitch at the Cubs' home opener, but Tom Ricketts just might attempt to throw Tunney off a rooftop.

Derrick Rose will announce that he isn't ready to play for the Sox either.

The Cubs will insist somebody is manning third base but won't be able to provide anything more than circumstantial evidence.

The Royals of all people will finish ahead of the Sox, and Robin Ventura will say, "Now do you see why I won't accept a contract extension?"

In honor of Wrigley Field, the village of Rosemont will offer to change its name to Wrosemont if the Ricketts change their names to Wricketts and move the Cubs to the suburbs.

Alex Rios will drive in 100 runs after a hypnotist convinces him 2013 is an even number.

Starlin Castro will explain that he batted .240 to minimize the chances the Cubs could trade him.

The Sox' upgraded ballpark food menu will include crow, but critics won't have to eat it.

In May the completion of the Cubs' rebuilding program will be pushed back to 2016 and so will John Danks' return from the disabled list.

Alfonso Soriano will veto a trade to nirvana because it's too cold and to utopia because it's too hot.

Alexei Ramirez will be suspended when a drug test detects smoke from a foot-long Cuban cigar in his system.

The Cubs will hype their minor-leaguers so persistently that three Kane County Cougars will be named to the major-league All-Star Game.

Adam Dunn's new approach of swinging early in counts will result in a season batting average of .363 … and 9 home runs.

The Cubs will celebrate their improvement to only 100 losses, but fans will bemoan the Curse of the Billy Goat, the Curse of the Black Cat and most of all the Curse of Incessant Incompetence.

The Sox' bullpen will finally be old enough to shave.

In July the Cubs' rebuilding program will be pushed back to 2018 and so will John Danks' return from the disabled list.

The Cubs will campaign to have the trade deadline designated a religious holiday.

Gordon Beckham will struggle to hit Chris Sale's weight.

Dale Sveum will remain so calm through it all that an enterprising investigative reporter will try to hunt down the doctor who performed his lobotomy.

White Sox season attendance will exceed 2 million counting ushers, security guards, beer vendors, members of the media, hot dog buns and blades of grass.

Dayan Viciedo will attribute batting .387 to not wanting the Sox to trade him to the Cubs.

Anthony Rizzo will inherit the Xfinity endorsement deal left behind by Brian Urlacher.

In September the completion of the Cubs' rebuilding program will be pushed back to 2020 and so will John Danks' return from the disabled list.

Odds are that the day after the season the Cubs will trade their entire roster to IHOP for a left-handed hash slinger and Jerry Reinsdorf will sign an agreement in principle to move the White Sox to Reinsmont.

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