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posted: 1/20/2013 4:40 AM

More ways to fix the pension crisis

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More ways to fix the pension crisis

Ever want to get even with your fourth grade math teacher, the one that carried a buggy whip; or the sadistic gym teacher who made you serve an after-school detention on prom day? Well here's your chance; just call your Illinois State Rep and encourage them to vote for the most recent pension reform proposal -- it really sticks it to retired teachers.

They won't get an increase in their pension payments for six years; then it limits the annual increases to about 1.5 percent, but only on the first $25,000, and not compounded, Genius -- sheer genius, A 65-year-old retiree with an average $45,000 pension would lose more than $62,000 over 10 years compared to the current program. Hey, everyone has to "chip in" to help solve this pension mess.

Of course, the only problem with the legislation is that it forces the state to guarantee its share of the pension contributions, so we won't be able to "borrow" any more quick cash from the pension cow to keep our taxes low.

Here are a few ideas that would save even more money for Illinois taxpayers:

Require all retired state employees to travel to Springfield to pick up their pension check, in person.

Any retiree who lives past the average life expectancy of 78 would have their pension cut by 50 percent -- you're really not supposed live that long.

Any retiree who receives more than $25,000 would have to earn the rest of their payment; maybe roadside litter pickup paid at the minimum wage.

If they have the temerity to live past age 90, we could offer to "voluntarily" euthanize them, for a fee. Just think, we can solve this pension crisis and get even with all those annoying teachers at the same time.

William S. Hicks


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