It might be natural, but that doesn’t mean staring is OK

We have all been guilty of it. Sometimes it is sympathetic and other times it’s just that curiosity gets the better of us. I am talking about staring. And yes, I am as guilty as the next person.

Perhaps it’s watching an adorable little boy or girl smiling and giggling as he or she plays in the park with mom and dad. I find myself indulging in those simple yet oh-so-sweet moments. Maybe it is a meltdown in the middle of a store. I have been known to send a sympathetic nod to the parent as if to say, “Hang in there; this will pass.”

But sometimes someone stares for no other reason than there is something different about a person with a special need. That can be unsettling to both the child or adult with the disability and their parent. Some disabilities are more visible that others. For instance, we easily recognize a person who has Down syndrome. But there are also less obvious, more hidden disabilities. We may not be as likely to identify the person with autism.

At times it may be awkward, but certain behaviors just seem to draw more attention than others. Depending on the nature of the disability, it’s not unusual for vocal outbursts, rocking or some type of agitation to be present.

Whether you are the one staring or the object of the stare, it can be awkward and unsettling for everyone involved. I have found that advice on how to handle this varies. Some parents address it head-on, even openly inviting questions. They see it as an opportunity to educate people about the disability or what it is like to be the caregiver.

Sometimes children notice differences and we find them staring or even pointing. One parent, whose daughter’s disability is less distinguishable but still evident, says that when she catches a child staring she simply engages them. She looks right at the child and says, ‘You are so very smart to see that my daughter is different. She just needs a little more time to figure some things out than you do.’ This educates both the child and the parent.

Another mom shared a story about her son with autism who had to learn that you couldn’t just take things from the store, which can be a hard lesson for any child. Her son would cry every time he couldn’t bring something home. When he cried, the stares she endured made her feel as if she was a terrible mother. Of course that couldn’t be further from the truth. She is an excellent mother. Her way of dealing with it was to stare back, stating matter-of-factly, “My son has autism.”

I have even heard of parents carrying cards, similar to business cards, with a set message specifically meant to educate onlookers. It also gives them a chance to include a personal message about their child.

Then there is the parent who is not comfortable at all with enduring any questions or stares. They would like to move about like anyone else without drawing any undue attention. And of course, there is always the choice to ignore the stares completely.

So how are you going to handle the situation? Well for the parent of a child with special needs, it is a personal decision. It can be viewed as an opportunity to educate or an unwelcome intrusion. You must be comfortable with whichever choice you make.

If you are the one staring, let’s remember that though it may be natural, staring is still unwanted attention. While it will most likely happen again, perhaps a little education and a little sensitivity can go a long way.

I invite you to share your thoughts on this topic as well as others at our new blog at wdsra.com. Parents are encouraged to speak directly to other parents, share thoughts, offer personal stories, and educate each other on topics that affect them in their everyday life.

Ÿ Sherry Manschot is the marketing/public relations manager at Western DuPage Special Recreation Association. She leads a parent network of special needs families at WDSRA. Manschot can be contacted at sherrym@wdsra.com. More information about WDSRA can be found at wdsra.com.