Patiently waiting for Cubs to call

Heads must be spinning all around Chicago already.

The Cubs announced Monday that they hired Julian Green to the new position of vice president/communications and community affairs.

This renews hope that the Cubs will hire me to fill the new position I suggest to them of vice president/gibberish and community balderdash.

Trust me, nobody knows gibberish and balderdash better than I do. My entire career has been devoted to those two art forms shaping my words and others' minds.

Insert me into that position at Wrigley Field and I promise not to slip over the line into politics, where Green seems destined to reside.

In other words — other words always apply when this subject is the subject — Green's credentials qualify him to control messages concerning the renovation of Wrigley Field.

The man has been press secretary to then-U.S. Senator Barack Obama. He was director of communications and marketing for the Chicago Park District. He was assistant press secretary to then-Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley. He is an interim board member of the Metropolitan Pier and Exposition Authority.

These are not the credentials of someone a baseball team hires to speak on behalf of water coolers punched out by Carlos Zambrano.

No, this background is more inclined toward spinning why public funds should be directed toward upgrading the toilet paper ply in Wrigley Field's restrooms.

Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts hired Julian Green to make it sound like money would be well spent modernizing Wrigley Field.

Ricketts has botched the assignment to this point, leaving concerned citizens to believe that he is just another rich guy conniving to get richer at their expense.

Mr. Green's mission impossible is to portray Mr. Ricketts as a philanthropist attempting only to preserve a landmark for the good of all mankind.

You know, so when a baseball fan visits from Denmark he won't think our national pastime is played in a trash can.

The likely pitch to be twisted in the Wrigley winds soon will attempt to minimize the renovation's financial blow to the public:

“Don't look at it is a $300 million. Spread over 100 years and 8,100 home games, that's less than $4,000 per game, a steal by any definition or stretch of the imagination.”

If my math is off, attribute it to that earlier referenced spinning sensation. Hopefully you'll get the idea anyway.

Look, I don't mean to be flip over this issue. Wrigley Field is important as a tourist attraction, and the Cubs are important as a loss leader for the entire region.

It's just that I don't think Wrigley Field is worth saving at any price, per game or season or century or otherwise.

It certainly isn't worth saving if the park will generate new revenues to be spent on .240-hitting left fielders at the rate of $136 million over eight years.

Wrigley also isn't worth saving if the $300 million it'll take for renovations comes out of money that could be spent on mental institutions filled with Cubs fans.

As you can tell, I represent persons to whom Julian Green will have to convince this is an investment worth making.

Of course, I'll agree on the spot if Mr. Green persuades Mr. Ricketts to name me vice president/gibberish and community balderdash.

Together the three of us can spin this Wrigley Field thing to sound sensible even if it isn't.

mimrem@dailyherald.com