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Mom scared, frustrated trying to protect teen from stalker

When this girl was born to a drug addict and put up for adoption, state officials were diligent about making sure she would be safe.

“They made us jump through hoops,” remembers the woman who eventually was cleared to adopt the newborn. “They talk to people at work. They talk to your neighbors. They talk to your friends. They made me take classes. But it was worth it, because I knew it was the judicial system's way of ensuring permanent safety for this helpless child.”

Sixteen years later, the Lake County mom's efforts to protect that daughter are much more complicated, frustrating and scary. To protect the girl, identities can't be disclosed, but here is her story.

During the summer, the girl had a small circle of friends and a new development in her life — her first boyfriend. Calling him a boyfriend was a stretch, the mom says. The couple went out with groups of kids a couple of times, and the boy was invited over to the house once.

“She talked to him on the phone a couple more times,” remembers the mom, who noticed a change in her daughter's mood and behavior. She asked the teen about her boyfriend.

“She said if she doesn't answer the phone, he thinks she's cheating on him,” the mom recalls.

A generation ago, if a boy wanted to call a girl, he phoned her home at a decent hour and risked a thorough screening from a nosy parent who answered the phone. Round-the-clock cellphones and social media options have removed that layer of protection.

Realizing this relationship wasn't a good thing for her daughter, the mom stepped in. “I said, ‘I'm going to ask you to end this,' and she was like, ‘OK,'” the mom remembers. “She was more than eager to end things.”

But things didn't end.

The family was heading to church on a Sunday morning last month when they discovered five windows in the front of their home had been broken. The family had been out the night before, but their daughter's cellphone had a text message from the boy on Saturday night saying that he was going to break windows until she answered the door. While police were taking that report, the girl showed them another text message from the boy threatening to arrive with a knife and hurt her the way she hurt him. The boy did arrive, and police took him into custody.

The girl's family went to court and got an order of protection, but her mom says the boy walked 18 miles in the predawn darkness with a steak knife and a box-cutter to surprise the girl at her bus stop before school last week. Privacy rules prevent officials from discussing details of cases involving juveniles, but police, juvenile courts, the Lake County state's attorney's juvenile victim/witness counselor and the high school hopefully will work together to get the boy help and protect her daughter, the mom says.

“School counselors deal with this more regularly than we used to, because of the social media available now,” says Carolyn Stone, a counselor educator at the University of North Florida and co-chair of the ethics committee for the American School Counselor Association. “Now, it's just so easy to throw these things out there. They don't think of the weight of their words, and we have to take all rumors and hearsay seriously.”

Whether it is a boy vowing to win over the girl of his dreams just like they always do in the movies, a girl who romanticizes about suicide, a teen fantasizing about revenge, or a kid who laughs at the prospect of a teacher's demise, school officials have the “burden” of doing what is in the best interest of everyone involved, Stone says.

“Just as we've learned in airports, you just can't joke about stuff,” Stone says. “We have too many cases where it was for real, where it was a real threat. We still have to use our judgment, but ‘err on the side of caution' rules the day.”

According to bullypolice.org, a website founded by the mother of a 13-year-old who shot himself to death after being harassed, Illinois earns an A- grade among the 47 states that have passed laws designed to help protect kids from bullies and stalkers.

“We're still trying to figure this out as educators,” Stone says. “I just don't know how a parent can control it all.”

The mom says she wants the boy to get help but adds that she is glad police keep an extra eye on her house. She worries the boy will be released but says he remains in county custody as this is being written. In the meantime, she says she's looking into moving out of the county. She always worries about what might happen down the road.

“If he is released, I have no doubt for a second that he would try to harm her,” the mom says. “This is real stuff.”