Kids have to come first for single, widowed dad
Q. I’ve been dating a guy for about four months now. He is the single dad of a gaggle of children; his ex-wife died about a year ago. It’s been hard finding time to get together, since he feels he should be there for dinner and putting them to bed every night. I think it’s great he’s devoted, but sometimes I think it’s a way to keep things from getting more serious.
I would like to suggest getting together somewhere with his kids, so we can spend some time together during daylight hours. But I am not a parent, and I need another perspective to know if this is unreasonable.
Dating a dad
A. I suppose it’s reasonable to want more time with him, and to see including the kids as the means to that end.
But it’s way more reasonable for this father to use his devotion as a sturdy set of brakes on getting more serious. The kids are reason enough for him to move glacially, but their mother’s fairly recent death screams for added caution.
Girlfriends come and go, and Daddy’s breakups can strain even kids who aren’t already grieving. Maybe you are there to stay, but you can’t possibly know that yet, nor can he. And he doesn’t just need to like and trust you enough to get serious; he needs to see whether he can trust you to be good for his kids (i.e., make them your priorities). You’re already balking, after the first song of your audition.
So. Please either embrace the pace or rethink the guy. It isn’t about you, can’t be, and won’t be for years. It’s not wrong to want to be a man’s priority; it’s just wrong to stay with this guy if that’s what you want from him.
Q. Every year for the past 15 years, my extended family has gone on a camping trip. My mother is the organizer and really loves this trip. Since it’s a rustic site (no water, electricity, only accessible by boat), lots of work goes into the trip that my parents handle.
Every year, some new family member wants to come. It never fails that these new visitors rely on my parents to help them bring their stuff to the site, cook their food, clean up their dishes, watch their kids/dogs, etc. This makes the trip stressful for my mom, and every year she asks me what to tell people who announce their intentions to come. She has a hard time saying no, since other family members are invited and technically there is no limit on the space available. I am OK with stepping in and telling people they aren’t invited, but am worried her siblings will get upset and take it out on her.
Anonymous
A. Since you’re ready to go all the way to voting these people off the island, why not try going halfway first, and raise the bar to entry?
“Great, we’d love to have you there! I’ll send you the manifesto so you can get started on your plans.”
Said manifesto will cover what is expected of everyone regarding organization, stuff-toting, chores and critter care. Newcomers can decide for themselves: Arrive informed, or think better of coming along. Encourage Mom to stick to it, too.
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