Bears’ line makes preseason meaningful

The Bears accomplished the impossible the other night by making a meaningless exhibition game meaningful.

Americans can’t agree on much. My goodness, some even believe that Jim Carrey movies still are humorous, that Congress isn’t insane and that athletes’ tweets are the gospel.

Nothing is unanimous in this country.

Except, 100 percent of Americans agree that the NFL should eliminate exhibition games, conduct them in private or pay people to witness them instead of charging season-ticket holders.

However, apparently the Bears made these exercises in nothingness be something by allowing 9 sacks the other night to the sad sacks from Buffalo.

In a way this was progress. Last season the Bears allowed 9 sacks in the first half alone against the Giants. Coincidentally, that’s the team that tees off on them again Monday night in the Meadowlands.

The Bears’ answered their primary question mark against the Bills with an exclamation mark, as in “Oh, no!”

Ever since, when the talk of the town isn’t Carlos Zambrano’s zaniness it’s that the Bears’ offensive line is so overpaid that it’s going to lead us into a double-dip recession.

If I had a nickel for every word uttered on the radio and printed on sports pages lamenting these 300-plus-pound Bears tackles, guards and center …

Well, I’d have enough money to join Big Z in a plush retirement home somewhere.

Instead, I’m left back here on the farm to lend perspective to the Bears’ madness.

First of all, everybody, relax and assume the worst. Limit your disappointment by figuring right off that the O in the Bears’ O-line isn’t an alphabet O but a numerical zer0.

Then keep telling yourself that head coach Lovie Smith, offensive coordinator Mike Martz and offensive-line coach Mike Tice will fill enough sandbags before the Sept. 11 season opener to prevent the levees in front of Jay Cutler and Matt Forte from breaking.

Or maybe not.

The off-season lockout allowed Bears coaches enough time to insert a rookie at right tackle, move a right tackle to left tackle, convert a guard to center, anoint a bust-out tackle at guard and insist that an immature 2010 guard is a mature 2011 guard.

(Maybe the Cubs could move Geovany Soto to third base, make Carlos Marmol a first baseman, bench Starlin Castro, change Darwin Barney’s name to Barney Darwin, play Tom Ricketts at shortstop … and declare themselves world champions.)

Seriously, I’m only kidding about this zer0-line thing because there’s nothing to panic about yet. The Bears have nearly a month to make three more meaningless exhibition games meaningful.

After this week the conversation will be that the line can run-block but not pass-block. In two weeks it’ll be that an injured lineman is terrible but irreplaceable. In three weeks it’ll be that Zambrano should be signed to replace the exiled Olin Kreutz at center.

Before the Bears line up for real there will be more shuffling of the offensive line, with some of the no-names playing now replaced by no-names to be named later.

All kidding aside, I think the Bears’ zer0-line has potential to become an O-line. The problem is that it might not happen before Cutler and Forte are hospitalized.

Doubts about that are why the Bears’ worthless exhibition games suddenly matter.

mimrem@dailyherald.com