Grandparents aren’t the parents

As a lot of us are finding out, being grandparents is a whole lot different from being parents. Some of us even wind up in both categories at the same time — having grandchildren while we still have our own children at home.

In the work I’ve done with families over the years, I have come up with an informal list of “rules” to help us grandparents sort through some of the differences between the two roles. Since I recently became a grandparent for the second time, these rules have been on my mind a bit more than usual. I’d like to share them with you.

1. Treat our children like the adults they are. They are still our children even though they are adults; we will likely still see the baby in diapers or the preteen with her first set of earrings when we look at them. But as difficult as it may be, we need to distance ourselves from these memories and the emotions that go with them, and treat these adult children like we would treat other adults their age.

2. Don’t try to be parents to our grandchildren. Grandparents can have a wonderful, special relationship with our grandchildren. It’s just not the same, however, as being a parent. We cannot be the emotional centers of our grandkids lives — that’s a parent’s job. We don’t make the rules or enforce them. We aren’t the “responsible adults.” We are helpers, only when asked.

3. Accept that there are different ways to raise kids. This is a hard one. Sometimes our adult children will not raise their children the way we think they should. Though parents all have the same goal — to raise kids who know they are lovable and capable, who can become competent and capable adults — there is more than one way to accomplish this goal. And, as times change, the best ways to accomplish this goal may also change. Grandparents usually are best off if we keep opinions to ourselves unless asked. And even when asked, we need to be more than a bit humble in critiquing our adult children’s parenting.

4. Respect boundaries. We need to always consider ourselves visitors in our adult children’s homes and act accordingly. We need to schedule visits rather than just dropping in. We need to remember that our children’s families are their families, not ours, and avoid intruding in their family life.

5. Be available, but not too available. Even when asked, we can be too much a part of our grandchildren’s lives. Sometimes our adult children, either out of their own struggle with the sometimes overwhelming demands of parenting, or perhaps because they haven’t quite grown up as much as they need to, will ask more of us than is good for them or their families. We may need to say no to a particular request — not because we want to, but because our adult children need to stand on their own two feet.

6. Every rule has an exception. Sometimes our adult children aren’t adults (think teen parents) and can’t be treated like adults. We may have to be the responsible adults for our grandchildren, because it is clear our adult children cannot be. Our adult children’s parenting may be so off base (using physically abusive discipline, for example) that we have to intervene. Or there may be times when, due to illnesses or other hardships, we need to be integral parts of our children’s families. Sometimes realities override rules.

Most grandparents I know love the roles they play in the lives of their grandkids, and they develop a new and special connection with their adult children as they experience the joys and challenges of being parents themselves.

Ÿ The Rev. Ken Potts’ book “Mix, Don’t Blend: A Guide to Dating, Engagement, and Remarriage with Children” is available through book retailers.