Potts: Couples must discuss religious differences

In 1957, only 6 percent of Americans married someone of a different faith or religious orientation.

More recent research suggests that now more than 17 percent of Protestants, 38 percent of Roman Catholics and 22 percent of Jews now marry outside their faith. In studies exploring the dynamics of healthy marriages, such couples consistently pointed to a shared faith and religious orientation as sources of strength.

Other projects have focused on the issues that seem to be most prevalent in troubled marriages — you may not be surprised to learn that religious differences are among the top 10.

In my premarital counseling work, many engaged couples are surprised when I ask them about their faith, their religious heritage and how they deal with any differences. And I have been surprised at how few couples take the time to talk through these issues.

The role of faith and religion in marriage is seldom acknowledged. In fact, a couple’s first exposure to the importance of their faith and religious differences often comes at a time of change or trauma. For example, when it is time for a decision about the children’s faith life or when one spouse experiences a renewal of his or her faith.

Why are faith and religion so important to us? Faith is what we believe about what makes life worth living; it is how we sort out and make sense of the world. It gives us a center, direction, support and meaning.

Religion, on the other hand, is how we practice our faith. Religion in our nation tends to be fairly organized. We have various denominations and churches, each of which is different in some degree from the others but provides a community of faith.

Both what we believe and how we practice our beliefs have day-to-day significance for our marriages. Usually, however, we are most aware of the differences in practice — religion — so let’s look at those first.

Sometimes differences show up early on, like when planning the wedding service. How Catholics and Protestants see marriage and the church’s role in it are different. Bringing these differences together successfully in a Catholic/Protestant marriage is possible. In fact, I have shared in officiating at such marriages a number of times and find the integration of the two approaches to be very meaningful. It also can be stressful.

Our differences also may be apparent when we try to choose a church. Though many younger couples avoid this issue by not being involved in a church at all, some see church as important and must find a way to accommodate two different traditions.

There is a world of difference to being involved in a synagogue, a Roman Catholic parish or a charismatic Assembly of God church — and not always a good deal of room for a middle ground.

Even if both of the above can be sidestepped, most couples with significant religious differences must face them head-on when children are born.

Baptism, christening and dedication, for example, are all ways that different religious groups acknowledge the birth of a child into a Christian family and faith community, and each has a very different meaning. Church school attendance, catechism or confirmation can also be issues of religious practice that bring our differences to the forefront.

Though issues of religious practice are more obvious, differences in faith are just as important and often more difficult to deal with.

“What makes life worth living?” “How do we understand illness, suffering and death?” “Is there a God, and, if so, what role does this God play in our lives?” “What are our responsibilities to other people, to ourselves, to this world?” “How are we to deal with others’ and our own mistakes, oversights, failures and even intentional wrongdoings?”

These are all ultimately faith questions that have direct implications on how we live our day-to-day lives.

If a husband and wife answer these questions in radically different ways, they inevitably will find themselves pulled apart by these differences. They will set differing directions for their lives, and they will respond to the trials and traumas of life in differing ways.

I hope these illustrations give you a sense of just how important faith and religion differences are, and how difficult they can be to resolve. But let me offer a few suggestions on how we can deal with such differences if they are a part of our marriage.

First, I think we need to expect that if such differences exist, they will be problematic at times. Faith and religion are too central to our lives to not impact our marriages in some way. It may take 20 years for us to understand what effects they are having, but they will be there.

It is a good idea to begin a dialogue with ourselves and with our spouse about beliefs and practices, which means doing some serious thinking about what we believe and how we act on those beliefs. Then we need to share this with our spouse. This is a conversation that should continue for the life of a marriage.

Second, we need to focus as much as possible on what we have in common and work to strengthen this. For example, if we both see involvement in a church as important, let’s celebrate that.

Third, we also want to accept our differences as much as is possible. If we wind up at different churches, then, we can accept this as part of respecting each other’s faith commitment.

Fourth, when our differences are such that there seems to be no common ground — such as whether we believe in infant baptism — we must work hard to understand each other’s beliefs and decide just what price we are willing to pay for not accepting them.

Though a Roman Catholic and a Baptist have radically different views of baptism, there may just be room in a family for both. And there may have to be if we are to stay together as a family at all.

Finally, when we are unable to resolve our faith and religious differences to the extent they threaten the survival of our marriage, we need to get professional help.

A pastoral counselor trained in marriage counseling is able to deal with both the theological and the psychological dynamics of our problems, and may be able to find ways of honoring both our differences and our desire to remain married.

Obviously, there are no easy ways to resolve our differences in faith and religion. They are just too important, and so is a marriage. We owe it to ourselves and each other to find a way to honor our commitment to both.