Suspense sorely lacking in 'Pirates 4'

You'd think adding carnivorous mermaids, zombified pirates, voodoo dolls, ships in magic bottles and the Fountain of Youth to a third “Pirates of the Caribbean” sequel would make for one irresistible motion picture experience.

Nope.

It's resistible.

For all its busy visuals and Hans Zimmer's grandiloquent music constantly whipping and spurring our ears to attention, “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” slogs along for 139 minutes without achieving a single moment of inspiration or suspense.

Not that “On Stranger Tides” lacks for entertainment. It's a furious, nonstop action film laced with acts of disturbing violence (sharklike mermaids ripping a man to pieces in a dark crimson cloud tops the chart) and breathtaking stunts (clumsily utilizing obvious stunt doubles).

It also gives Johnny Depp his fourth opportunity to don the dowdy garb of the fey Captain Jack Sparrow, now trading comic barbs with a pirate queen named Angelica (Penelope Cruz).

“You walk like a girl,” Jack tells her.

“You should know!” she replies.

“On Stranger Tides” unceremoniously dumps franchise stars Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom, whose non-pirate characters simply go missing in action here.

Gore Verbinski, director of the previous three “Pirates” movies, has been replaced by Rob Marshall, who won the Oscar for his hit musical “Chicago.”

So it shouldn't seem strange that obligatory action scenes have been inserted into the story with the timed regularity of musical numbers, lined up one after another.

Depp's Captain Jack (modeled after Rolling Stones drummer Keith Richards, reprising his role as Jack's pirate dad in a cameo) tracks down a mysterious impostor pretending to be Jack.

The impostor turns out to be Angelica, who has a past with Captain Jack. She's also the daughter of the feared pirate Blackbeard (an underwhelming Ian McShane), who's mounting an excursion to locate the Fountain of Youth.

So are the Spaniards.

So are the British, led by the moldy Captain Barbossa (reprised by Geoffrey Rush), now equipped with a peg leg, a prop in the film's best single sight gag.

Their race gets complicated by a prophecy that puts pressure on Blackbeard to find the fountain first: He will reportedly be killed within a fortnight by a man with one leg.

Marshall eliminates most of the complicated silliness of the last two “Pirate” movies, but not all.

A complex ritual involving two magical chalices, the tear of a mermaid, fountain water and a giver and a receiver of age are now required in order to get the miracle to work. What happened to the simple idea that a person could avoid aging and death by simply drinking from the fountain of youth?

A fascinating subplot involving a hunky missionary (played with conviction by Sam Claflin) falling for a fetching, captive mermaid (Astrid Berges-Frisbey) is worthy of its own fantasy, but feels terse and shoehorned into the plot.

Marshall does his movie no favors by conjuring up references — intended or not — to superior films such as “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” “The Last Crusade” and even “The Goonies.”

Then again, nobody can call the king “Your Heinie” quite like Depp.

<b>“Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides”</b>

★ ★ ½

<b>Starring:</b> Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, Penelope Cruz, Ian McShane

<b>Directed by:</b> Rob Marshall

<b>Other:</b> A Walt Disney Pictures release. Rated PG-13 for sexual situations, violence. 139 minutes