Southwest emergency shows safety is no laughing matter

Which kinds of cracks are the most pervasive on Southwest Airlines jetliners?

1. Cracks in the fuselage long and deep enough to cause the metal skin to peel back like a sardine can while in flight?

2. Cracks in the cabin from “comedic” flight attendants during safety instructions delivered over the speaker system?

Despite what happened to one of Southwest's Boeing 737s last Friday when a 5-foot strip of the roof was ripped open in midair, the answer is not No. 1.

As anyone who flies Southwest knows, it is cracks from flight attendants during the “safety” announcements that occur routinely — and may be more menacing than fuselage fatigue cracks that occur in most 15-year old jetliners.

Southwest cabin crew members habitually ham their way through pre-takeoff safety instructions, the potentially lifesaving guidance mandated by the federal government.

One flight attendant made a splash two years ago by rapping his way through safety instructions, even changing the order of the warnings to rhyme better. His routine was recorded by a passenger with a cell phone (someone obviously breaking the no-electronics rule) and the performance is still posted online (www.liveleak.com/view?i=841_1237225755)

While the corny jokes do attract more attention than a dry recitation of the seat belt and oxygen mask instructions, such rehearsed schtick also obscures what should be a serious moment.

“Welcome aboard Southwest. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.”

I don't know whether that was the announcement heard by passengers last Friday before SW 812 took off from Phoenix, but it is a favorite of Southwest flight attendants.

Regular customers on Southwest stiffen with the first “funny” line-knowing what is to follow.

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face” is another frequent line used on Southwest.

That announcement is typically followed by this one:

“If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.”

It was about 20 minutes after the safety spiel onboard that Southwest flight last Friday, just as flight attendants were taking drink orders, that loud popping sounds were heard. The aircraft had experienced sudden decompression, caused by a hole in the top of the fuselage. Oxygen masks dropped from the ceiling and dangled above 188 startled passengers.

Suddenly, the passengers on the jetliner needed to know what to do. And comments from passengers quoted by Associated Press and ABC-TV show that not all of them did.

“Your ears instantly start to hurt really bad” said passenger Wade Allemand. “You feel like you're going to black out,” he said.

“People were dropping,” said passenger Christine Ziegler who watched as a flight attendant and a passenger fainted while the plane dived to 11,000 feet where oxygen wouldn't be needed.

Passenger Shawna Malvini Redden said she was lightheaded, covered her ears and struggled with the oxygen mask. Even with no-nonsense instructions, most airline passengers don't realize that the instruction to “pull down” on the oxygen mask is for a reason. You actually have to give the tubing a tug in order for oxygen to begin flowing.

But if you are in an emergency situation and can't remember any of what was said by a singing, joking flight attendant a few minutes earlier, you may end up dead.

The FAA requires flight attendants to be on commercial jetliners for one reason: safety. So where are federal regulators on Comedy Central at 35,000 feet?

The rules require only that “oral briefings” be given and safety cards made available.

“The pre-takeoff oral briefing should be given so that each passenger can clearly hear it” states FAA regulations. “Crew members giving these briefings should speak slowly and distinctly.”

There is nothing that prohibits jokes, songs, rapping or standing on your head while delivering safety instructions.

A memo from a top FAA official in 2003 even suggests that jazzing up things is a good idea.

“One way to increase passenger motivation is to make the safety information briefings and cards as interesting and attractive as possible,” stated James J. Ballough, then director of the FAA Flight Standards Service division.

Ballough's memo to airline executives stated that the FAA “encourages individual operators to be innovative in their approach in imparting such information.”

So, even as Southwest has grounded planes and canceled flights and as authorities try to figure out if there is a larger problem with fuselage cracking, the show goes on.

Sometimes the pilots also get in on the act. This is one captain's favorite punch line:

“Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

• Chuck Goudie, whose column appears each Monday, is the chief investigative reporter at ABC 7 News in Chicago. The views in this column are his own and not those of WLS-TV. He can be reached by e-mail at chuckgoudie@gmail.com and followed at twitter.com/ChuckGoudie