Some helpful hints for NFL players

It isn’t often that I can relate to the hardships that NFL quarterbacks, tackles and wedge-busters are experiencing.

However, now they’re facing a work stoppage and I once was on strike for 10 weeks.

In my mid-20s, the same age as many current Bears are, we went on strike against the Rockford newspapers.

Solidarity, brothers!

NFL management and labor are collectively bargaining this week, but I won’t believe they settled until they announce that the agreement is signed, owners are back to counting their money, and players are back to concussing.

In the meantime I’ll continue assuming a work stoppage is inevitable.

USA Today reported Tuesday that the NFL Players Association issued a handbook advising members on financial matters in case of a lockout.

First, though, they should read the tips that served me well while on strike.

First, dress appropriately while walking the picket line, especially if the lockout lasts into winter.

NFL players will walk a picket line, won’t they? They are a real labor force, aren’t they? They’re employees just like other people trying to protect their livelihood, right?

OK, maybe not. Anyway, the next tip is to cut expenses by finding low-income housing for the time spent out of work.

Do what I did. If lucky enough to find one, rent a room in an elderly couple’s house in a dubious part of town for $12 per week.

One word of caution here: When using the bathroom after coming home late at night, beware the landlord’s artificial arm hanging by its hook from a towel rack.

Maybe it’s unlikely players will have to leave the big houses and bigger mortgages they have become accustomed to.

You never know, though. Time will tell. My work stoppage began as a day-to-day sprint and evolved into a month-to-month marathon.

Let’s see, what other suggestions do I have? Well, if a player can’t stop frequenting clubs he should make a list of the ones featuring nickel-beer nights to go with penny wings.

Yes, I said beer. Surely NFL players remember beer. It’s what they drank in college before getting hooked on liquors with foreign names they can’t pronounce.

If necessary the Bears can search all day and night for a joint in Lake Forest that features a nickel-scotch/penny-lobster happy hour.

Listen, if NFL players are intent on maintaining their current lifestyle of big houses, expensive liquor and fancy food, maybe they better read the union’s austerity handbook after all.

Start with “eat in instead of out,” which presumably means not even enjoying a burger at the friendly neighborhood gentleman’s club.

Another tip is to lower the thermostat, though it doesn’t explain why that would be necessary while vacationing in a gated community on Maui.

Do laundry in cold water instead of, you know, throwing it out after wearing it once; network with potential revenue streams rather than with strippers; disband the entourage and perhaps become a member of Charlie Sheen’s.

The irony of all this is that most regular union workers already have to eat in, some have to go with no heat at all, and others have entourages consisting of a dog that can’t see and a cat that can’t hear.

Come to think of it, maybe I can’t relate to what NFL players, much less owners, are about to experience.

Sometimes it’s even hard to tell the two sides apart.

mimrem@dailyherald.com