A holiday fishing fantasy comes true

I truly didn't have a clue where I was when I woke up in the hospital emergency room.

I squinted at the overhead lights illuminating the entire treatment area. I heard telephones ringing without being answered. I heard loud voices barking orders. “Get me another two bags of saline solution,” one voice yelled.

Barely able to sit up, I gently rested my head on one of the smallest pillows I've ever encountered.

Glancing at my watch, I could hardly read the numbers. Everything appeared as a blurred mass of nothingness.

The curtain finally parted and in walked someone dressed in a doctor-like coat. He appeared to be a lad who looked like he just had his Bar Mitzvah. I wouldn't say he was a young guy, but for all practical purposes his manner led me to believe I was his practice patient.

“How are you feeling Mr. Jackson?” he inquired as he placed his scope on my chest to check one of my vitals.

“I dunno,” I answered back. “Where am I?”

“You're in the Fletzel County Hospital emergency room,” he replied.

“And what town is this?” I shot back.

“This is Minnesota, sir,” he said, “and I'm a bit concerned you seem rattled and disoriented.”

And then it suddenly came back to me.

I had driven to a world-famous Mississippi River town, the one made popular by those age-old beer commercials talking about how 150 rivers come together to provide the greatest tasting water for the main ingredient in a particular beer.

I was to meet a friend in one of the nearby, super outdoor stores you know the type I'm talking about. It's one where stuffed animals and replicas are glued in place as they try to climb the Matterhorn. I know you've seen similar stores, especially the one where if you step on a grizzly's tail you'll be automatically tossed 50 yards through the front door.

Anyway, I remember now I was in the store soaking up the ambiance in a grand fashion. Everywhere I looked there were rods, fishing reels, tackle boxes, lures, clothing, and the like. A store like this one is guaranteed to help lighten your wallet because all of one's fantasies come true when the customer takes three big breaths and then clicks his heels three times as well.

So I went to where there was a Santa setup and I got in line.

I tried counting the number of people in front of me, but I lost track when I got to a hundred. My big moment came when an elfin character waved at me and squeaked for me to step up to Santa.

I averted my eyes because I was more than slightly embarrassed. When the ho-ho-ho stopped, I looked up and lo and behold there sat a bejeweled, decked out Al Lindner on a throne of Berkley Power Baits.

“And what would you like for Christmas young man?” he bellowed.

I was speechless. After what seemed like an eternity I whispered that I wanted to be back in Minnesota again, like I used to be in the early '70s, catching smallmouth bass like there was no tomorrow. After another half-dozen shouts of ho-ho-ho, and a wave of his fish-catching arms, I suddenly found myself rolling down that same ramp I had traversed to get to him. And I must have hit my head in the confusion that followed and conked out.

And that's the story I told the young doc while he frantically took notes, trying to keep up with me.

“So that's all you remember?” he added.

Yep, I said. So doc, where am I right now?

“You're in Minnesota,” he answered again.

And Lindner didn't even ask if I was a good boy.

Outdoors notes

Trustees for The Columbia Falls School District in Montana voted unanimously this week not to expel 16-year-old Demari DeReu after she violated the school's weapons policy by having a cased and unloaded hunting rifle in the locked trunk of her car parked on school property earlier this month.

DeReu's case attracted national attention from hunters and firearms groups.

“I honestly expected to be expelled,” she said after the meeting.

No case:

A two–year investigation by the Justice Department has failed to prove that former Interior Secretary Gale Norton was guilty of conflict of interest for allegedly giving preferential treatment to certain oil companies regarding leases. Ms. Norton, who served in the George W. Bush Administration, said the probe “wasted millions of taxpayer dollars.”

Indicted:

Jeffrey B. Foiles, 53, professional waterfowl guide, call maker and video producer operating Foiles' Fallin' Skies Strait Meat Duck Club in Pike County, Ill., was indicted by a federal grand jury in Springfield. He was charged with 23 felony counts, including 12 substantive violations of the Lacey Act, and 10 counts of making false writings in a matter within the jurisdiction of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service.

Fishing update:

Despite the typical Chicago-area winter cold and wind, some brave-hearted anglers have been scoring on the ice.

Fox Chain: Channel Lake bluegills and crappie very active at sunrise in 4-8 feet. Walleye action has improved on Lake Marie and Bluff Lake. Petite Lake has decent crappie activity in 10-feet of water.

Port Barrington: The rush to find panfish continues, with small crappies and yellow bass being taken.

Mike Jackson can be reached via e-mail at angler88@att.net, and his radio program is heard 6-7 a.m. Sundays on WSBC, AM-1240.

Contact Mike Jackson at angler88@att.net, and catch his radio show 6-7 a.m. Sundays on WSBC 1240-AM.