Big Ten could use my help

So, Legends and Losers it is … oh, sorry, make that Legends and Leaders.

Those are the division names in the Big Ten's new football alignment.

Maybe Losers blurted out of my computer because the conference is being panned for concocting something like Legends and Leaders.

The criticism is unfair because Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany, often the smartest man in the room, faced a difficult assignment.

Teams weren't divided geographically, which is the customary manner to build divisions within a league.

Neither East and West, North and South, Northeast and Southwest, Northwest and Southeast nor Over Here and Over There would work.

The Big Ten had few choices other than something lame like Legends and Losers, uh, Legends and Leaders.

Don't hold that against Delany and Company. Hold against them that they didn't consult with me first. You see, no one is more qualified than I am in such matters.

First of all, I'm an Illinois alum. Second of all, that means I have paid more dues suffering through bad football than anyone. Third of all … well, that's it because they didn't teach me how to count past two in Champaign.

Anyway, here's what I would have pointed out if Delany and his folks stooped down to ask a lowly journalist:

Nowhere in sports does “follow the money” apply more than in college athletics.

Yes, folks, I'm saying the Big Ten should have peddled naming rights to the highest bidders. Like, what would be wrong with Coke Division and Pepsi Division?

If one business wanted to pay millions for both, it could be Coca Division and Cola Division, or Bausch Division and Lomb Division, or Barnes Division and Noble Division, or Bud Division and Weiser Division, or Fruit Of Division and The Loom Division?

The money grab will come eventually, so why not immediately?

The mind boggles over how much revenue burly football players could raise from naming rights to fund scholarships for skinny tennis players.

Maybe the Big Ten went with Legends and Losers, uh, Legends and Leaders because nobody will mind when the switch is made to the Wal and Mart divisions.

If college commercialism offends you, the league could go the academic route and rotate the names from year to year and major to major.

History? Marco and Polo divisions. Geography? Trinidad and Tobago divisions. Anatomy? Tibia and Fibula divisions. Political science? Tippecanoe and Tyler Too divisions. Drama? Brad and Angelina divisions.

Seriously, players are student-athletes heh-heh so this symbolic gesture would serve to remind them of that.

OK, don't worry if none of these suggestions grabs you. The most logical remains: Name the divisions after me.

You heard me … me!

Sports writers glamorize college football. Some of us vote for the Heisman Trophy. Others rank teams in national polls.

So why not the Mike Division and Imrem Division? How about the championship team getting the Mike Trophy and the game's MVP getting the Imrem Award?

Finally, that new logo: Make the “I” in “BIG” 10 feet taller than the “B” and “G,” with “Mike Imrem” running down the center in block letters?

Hey, I'm just trying to help the Big Ten stunt criticism over Legends and Losers, uh, make that Legends and Leaders.