'Burlesque' is no 'Cabaret'
Writer/director Steve Antin wants desperately to be Bob Fosse in his brassy, sassy musical “Burlesque,” but the laughably cliché dialogue and shallow characters sink any chance that audiences will mistake his film for Fosse's Oscar-winning “Cabaret.”
We never know much about pop singer Christina Aguilera's main character Ali, except that she has no friends, no family, no solid acting ability and no reason to stick around Iowa.
So, she heads to L.A. to find her destiny at a Sunset Boulevard nightclub called Burlesque, run by crusty showbiz veteran Tess (legendary singer and gay cult icon Cher).
The place is packed every night with drinking, enthusiastic clients.
Yet, Tess must be a terrible manager because she's so far behind on the mortgage, the bank prepares to foreclose on the club.
(Gee, did Tess ever think of pink-slipping some of her kajillion employees or cutting back on those lavish sets?)
We already know that Ali can belt out a song like Christina Aguilera, because she does it at the film's opening.
So it's no surprise that when a jealous dancer shuts off Ali's mic during a number, she carries on by blasting the club's roof off with her natural, unplugged voice (in echo-chamber mode, too).
Tess sees potential in Ali as a headliner.
But that still won't bring in enough money to match an offer from real estate magnate Marcus (Eric Dane) to buy the club and turn it into a high-rise.
“When I see something I want, I get it!” Marcus brags. When he sees Ali, he wants her, but spends weeks pursuing her, and never gets her!
Men are such liars.
Unless they're good guys from Kentucky, like the Burlesque's bartender Jack (“Twilight” star Cam Gigandet). Ali moves in with him, even though he's engaged to a woman 1,000 miles away.
Ali likes Jack, who blurts out bland and obvious fortune-cookie sayings, such as “Life is about the choices we make!”
“Burlesque” tries oh-so-hard to suggest the edgy decadence of pre-Nazi Germany in “Cabaret,” but only squeaks out a Disneyized version in which drugs, prostitution, abortion, betrayal and nastiness don't exist.
Alan Cumming, doing his best Joel Grey impression from “Cabaret,” announces to Ali early on that Burlesque is a strip joint. That's probably a surprise to Tess' dancers, because they never strip. (Maybe that's why the strip club is going under.)
A half-hour into the story, Ali performs a chaste Sally Rand fan dance designed to tease adolescent male libidos. That's as racy as it gets.
The single bright moments in #8220;Burlesque#8221; come from the brilliantly watchable Stanley Tucci as Tess' right-arm gay guy Sean, who quietly steals every scene with plucky confidence and oodles of charm.
Cher, who heads the cast despite being Aguilera's second fiddle, still has her pipes, as evidenced in her showstopping number #8220;You Haven't Seen the Last Of Me,#8221; curiously filmed in dark blue light even after she requests a spot.
#8220;Would you ever do this again?#8221; Tucci asks.
#8220;No,#8221; Cher says. #8220;Never.#8221;
I say let's hold her to that.
<P>“Burlesque”</P>
<P>★ ½ </P>
<P>Starring: Cher, Christina Aguilera, Eric Dane, Stanley Tucci, Alan Cumming, Peter Gallagher, Kristen Bell </P>
<P>Directed by: Steven Antin</P>
<P>Other: A Screen Gems release. Rated PG-13 for language, nudity, suggestive dances. 135 minutes</P>