Over-the-top 'Machete' cuts through grindhouse conventions
"Machete" is a deliriously daffy tribute to the over-the-top, 1970s grindhouse features flooded with excessive nudity, sex, violence and hilarious tough-guy dialogue.
Its villains include a cruel Mexican drug lord, a corrupt U.S. senator and a militia commander who shoots illegal immigrants for sport - to protect America, of course.
Its un-young hero, Machete, apparently can't be killed and never needs Viagra.
The women are sexy all of the time, naked some of the time, and when they actually wear something, it tends to be stiletto heels and leather halter tops or else a nun's habit.
But we're getting ahead of the story.
Character actor Danny Trejo plays the title character, a dedicated Mexican Federale who, in the opening sequence, disobeys orders to stay put and charges into a drug lord's den to rescue a kidnapped woman.
Torrez, the "Mexican drug lord," is played by paunchy former action superstar Steven Seagal. (Oh, that must be why he didn't have time to star in "The Expendables.")
After Machete has already sliced through Torrez's henchmen like a lawn mower through crabgrass (he performs a monumental quality kill by cutting three heads off with a single stroke!), Torrez captures Machete and executes his wife in front of his eyes.
We don't see all of it, because a really bad and clumsy edit deletes the throat-slashing moment.
This is part of the "Machete" appeal.
Co-directors Robert Rodriguez and Ethan Maniquis deliberately junk up their movie so that it resembles those badly edited and terribly acted action films from 35 years ago.
The streaked, choppy opening credits look as if they've been run through old Times Square movie projectors at least 10,000 times.
Savvy filmgoers know that "Machete" began as Rodriguez's fake movie trailer stuck in between the 2007 "double feature" titled "Grindhouse."
That fake trailer (frankly, it was more engaging than the two mini-features that flanked it) became the basis for this film, and that's both its inspiration and downfall.
Once "Machete" has established its cheesy characters and simple-minded plot, and successfully channeled bad movies from the 1970s, it has no place to go. It's a one-joke film.
And that joke can't stretch far enough to accommodate a 105-minute movie, anymore than a five-minute "Saturday Night Live" sketch can become a full-length feature film without major additions.
Grindhouse fans old and new will appreciate the level of cartoon violence meted out by Trejo and Seagal. And the level of (tasteful) eye-popping nudity supplied by Jessica Alba as I.C.E. agent Sartana and Hollywood bad girl Lindsay Lohan as April, a rich girl abducted by Machete.
Robert De Niro wisely undercranks his role as Senator McLaughlin, who wants to build a Berlin-wall-like structure to keep the Mexicans out.
That's only when he's not helping super militia commander Von ("Miami Vice" star Don Johnson, who gets an "Introducing" credit as a joke) use fleeing immigrants for target practice.
Michelle Rodriguez supplies additional sex appeal as Luz, a contact person for a secret organization protecting the powerless immigrants.
Jeff Fahey oozes slime as the duplicitous Booth, who hires Machete to assassinate McLaughlin, only to betray the former Federale and set the revenge plot in motion.
Cheech Marin, once half of the drug comedy team Cheech and Chong, pops in to play Machete's priest brother, a cleric equally at home handling shotguns as crucifixes.
"You want me to help you kill these men?" he asks his bro while apparently forgetting the Ten Commandments. "I'll see what I can do."
<p class="factboxheadblack">"Machete"</p>
<p class="News">★★½</p>
<p class="News"><b>Starring:</b> Danny Trejo, Steven Seagal, Jessica Alba, Robert De Niro, Lindsay Lohan, Michelle Rodriguez, Cheech Marin</p>
<p class="News"><b>Directed by:</b> Robert Rodriguez and Ethan Maniquis</p>
<p class="News"><b>Other:</b> A 20th Century Fox release. Rated R for language, nudity, sexual situations, violence. 105 minutes</p>
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