Ridley Scott's 'Robin Hood' a passionless, joyless tale

Posted May 12, 2010 11:00 pm

Dann Gire

Zounds! What hath Ridley Scott done to ye old Robin Hood and his band of merry men?

You know, the beloved English outlaw who took from the rich and gave to the poor in one of history's most celebrated redistribution of wealth programs?

This moody Robin Hood, played by mumbling Aussie Russell Crowe, suffers from repressed memories stemming from a traumatic childhood. No wonder his men have trouble working up a little merriment now and then.

Plus, this Robin Hood sports a graying beard, saggy eyes and paunchy tummy. He's as old as a Medieval grandpa and he hasn't even met maid Marion yet.

Speaking of Marion, she's played by the perfectly enunciating Cate Blanchett.

She hasn't been a maid in quite a while. But in the 10 years she's been married to Crusades warrior Robert Loxley, she's become a gifted farmer, fighter, archer, English speaker and feminist warrior.

Stand back. She wields one mean broadsword.

During a climactic battle on the English beach, she shows up wearing a fashionable knight's suit just her size. (Where'd she get it? Armor R Us? Was she home-schooled in combat, or did she intern under an English knight?)

The idea of Robin and Marion getting together in their senior years has already been explored in Richard Lester's 1976 movie "Robin and Marian" with Sean Connery and Audrey Hepburn. There's nothing wrong with "Robin Hood" revisiting that concept, except that Scott's movie is a legend origin tale that takes place before military archer Robin Longstride evolves into the outlaw Robin Hood.

Penned by "L.A. Confidential" writer Brian Hegeland, Scott's re-imagined "Robin Hood" begins as a Tea Party nightmare come true: a cash-strapped government hikes taxes way up to pay for its extravagant spending habits, then simply kills the citizens who can't pay.

The movie ends by visually plagiarizing the beach-landing sequence that opens Steven Spielberg's "Saving Private Ryan." Here, of course, arrows substitute for bullets.

Scott's "Robin Hood" offers authentic props and sets, captured by John Mathieson's handsome widescreen camera work.

Yet, Scott's tale of yore is a colossal bore, a sanitized, PG-13-rated adventure so confusing and fussy, it's hard to tell who's fighting whom and exactly where they're fighting.

Every few minutes, a geographic memo flashes at the bottom of the screen to tell us where we are. Sometimes it's a city, like York. Sometimes, it's some place like "the southern coast of England."

After a while, you wish you had a notepad to keep it all straight.

"Robin Hood" takes place in 1199 A.D. as King Richard the Lionheart (Danny Huston) plunders his way back from the Crusades to London.

After the king is killed in battle, Robin, a fearless archer, assumes the identity of a fallen knight, Robert Loxley, and goes to the knight's house to return his sword to his blind and aging father, Sir Walter Loxley (Max Von Sydow, delivering the movie's single engaging performance).

A smart man, Sir Walter convinces Robin to continue to pretend to be the dead knight. That way, his widow, Marion, will be legally able to keep her 5,000 acres of farmland, since women can't own real estate.

The new King John (Oscar Isaac) has no idea that his man Godfrey (another generic bald villain from Mark Strong) plots to overthrow England with help from the French. It's up to Robin to save the nation and plant a seed for the signing of the Magna Carta.

This ambitious historical epic is clearly reminiscent of Scott's "Kingdom of Heaven." Like that 2005 period piece, "Robin Hood" offers empty spectacle and instantly forgettable characters.

As William Hurt's royal chancellor struggles with his erratic English accent, Crowe's joyless, mumbling Robin barely registers a whit of passion for either Marion or the country he so deftly defends in word and deed.

"I love you," Robin says to Marion. His words sound so insincere and forced, they almost elicit laughs.

And thus, "Robin Hood" continues to rob things from rich movies, and give to the poor viewers a never-ending, 139-minute bum-testing epic.

Aussie actor Russell Crowe makes a splash as the infamous English rogue in Ridley Scott's costume epic "Robin Hood."

"Robin Hood"

★½

Starring: Russell Crowe, Cate Blanchett, Mark Strong, William Hurt

Directed by: Ridley Scott

Other: A Universal Pictures release. Rated PG-13 for violence. 139 minutes

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