Grammar Moses: Revenge of the readers

  • Damilic Corp. president Bob Olding anchors the paper as the Atlantic Plus, the Signascript tabletop model autopen, produces a signature at their Rockville, Md., office. Some weeks, Grammar Moses' column writes itself.

    Damilic Corp. president Bob Olding anchors the paper as the Atlantic Plus, the Signascript tabletop model autopen, produces a signature at their Rockville, Md., office. Some weeks, Grammar Moses' column writes itself. AP File photo/June 13, 2011

 
 
Updated 10/17/2020 5:11 PM

Some days, this column writes itself.

That might sound like hyperbole or self-deprecation, but for the purposes of today's column it's true.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
 

What follows is a collection of brief letters I've received over the last few months (or years) that require no response from me.

What qualifies these letters to run without comment is that these readers already have turned their snark dials up to ELEVEN. The last two are from staffers.

I've merely edited out some specifics to protect the guilty.

Enjoy.

From Bill Murray

My wife recently strained a leg muscle and has since been sporting a cloth appliance that Walgreens calls a "Self Adherent Wrap." It is just me, or does that sound like a uniform worn by some sort of egocentric sect?

From Bill Johnson

"This is an inciteful article," the Facebook post read.

Spoken, the comment would work properly, but written ... well, it seems to redirect the reader's mental starting point.

From Rich Cullen

"Two guns were turned into police when a 17-year-old Antioch man charged in the Kenosha shootings surrendered himself," police said, "but officials are not saying who owned the guns and whether they had valid firearm owners identification cards."

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This seems to be saying that we now have two fewer guns in this country and two more police. I haven't seen this mentioned in any other media.

From Beth Jordan-Kroll

Photo caption: "A computer science teacher at Stevenson High School makes wooden stands for teachers to place their cellphone on when teaching online at his home in Buffalo Grove."

How kind of him to offer his home as a place for teachers to perform their remote teaching duties.

I hope he has a very large house, as I expect it could get quite crowded and chaotic when all those teachers gather in his home.

From Arturo Mora

I noticed the headline: "Democrats united against Trump going into convention."

I had no idea President Trump even had the option of entering the Democratic convention!

An alternative headline: "Going into convention, Democrats united against Trump."

From Ann Hedleston

My commercial peeve is when law firms that advertise if a person was diagnosed with, or died from, cancers caused by talcum powder or weed killer to call.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                       
 

I doubt those who passed on are capable of calling, but who knows.

The way the paranormal programs show spirits doing strange things, I suppose anything is possible.

From Kevin Dollear

Newspaper correction: In a story about rapper 21 Savage launching a free online financial literacy education program for youths, the wire service erroneously described recipients as being undeserved. The youths receiving free Wi-Fi and tablets are underserved.

From Jake Griffin

"Today, I veto Senate Bill 2493, which would direct the University of Illinois Prairie Research Institute to conduct a study on the health and social effects of supplemental deer feeding on the wild deer population outside of deer hunting season."

This is a horribly constructed sentence, no? Is there a missing hyphen that makes this look like deer are eating other deer instead of humans feeding deer extra food?

Thanks to all of those who contributed today. I apologize for my tardiness in most cases in publishing them.

Write carefully!

• Jim Baumann is vice president/managing editor of the Daily Herald. Write him at jbaumann@dailyherald.com. Put Grammar Moses in the subject line. You also can friend or follow Jim at facebook.com/baumannjim.

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