Grammar Moses: And now for this commercial announcement about radio ads

Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.

Who doesn't know what that is?

The reason people in advertising get rich is they know what makes us tick. They know what will stick in our heads.

So one shouldn't find it surprising the type of influence advertising has on how we learn, especially when so few people take the time to read more than 140 characters at a shot these days.

Ordinarily, I'm a big fan of advertising. It pays in part for what we do. It can help people find what they need to make lives better.

But when advertisers use faulty math and poor word choice, we tend to soak it up like a sponge and think that's the way it should be done.

I've written before about how I've had tantrums in my car while driving to work after hearing an advertisement that rubs me the wrong way, so please pardon me if I sound like a broken record.

By the way, why is the idiom “broken record” when since it's invention it's only been a scratch?

During one day's travels to and from work last week in which I spun the dial to random stations, I was assaulted by three advertisements:

The car ad

The voice-over guy who does the “Boo rah!” ads for the Shirley Ryan AbilityLab in Chicago has amazing elocution. He pronounces every word precisely, including a long list of words that end with “sts.”

I get a tongue cramp just thinking about reading those ads. I once thought it would be fun to pursue a career doing that.

Compare that with the guy who reads the car ad promoting prices so low that you'd think there would be an asterik (his pronunciation, not mine) next to them. The mispronunciation is repeated at the end of the spot.

I was a big auditory learner before I figured out how to read, and I got a lot of things wrong. I suspect you have, too. (Tell me all about it!)

But now we have impressionable auditory learners and non-readers believing the word is “asterik,” not “asterisk.”

Tsk, tsk.

The bank ad

Of course, an advertisement for a bank with plenty of offerings would do well to pun it up with “a wealth of options.”

But the ad agency ought to learn a little something about how to find the subject in a sentence.

The ad claims “There are a wealth of options.”

It should say “There is a wealth of options.”

“Wealth” is the subject of the sentence, not “options.”

Would you say “There are a bag of cheeseburgers”? Or “There are a pool full of diaperless babies”?

I would hope not. Perhaps when you're talking about concepts rather than physical things it is tougher to discern whether to use the singular or plural form of the verb. It's easy, though, when you look for the preposition “of.”

Another ad I heard that day proclaimed “Our team of experts are ...”

“Team” is the subject and “experts” modifies that, so it should take a singular verb.

The paper towel ad

If you've read my column for long, you no doubt have experienced my rants about faulty math.

The ad gins up a certain paper towel brand by saying it is “two times more absorbent” than a competitor's product.

Slow your roll!

If the competitor's product soaks up a pint of liquid, then your product, which is two times more absorbent, picks up that initial pint plus two additional pints. In mathematical terms, that's Yours = X + 2X.

Or three times as much.

If this miracle product really picked up three times as much as Brand X, advertisers would use the bigger number to pitch their product.

I would stake a day's pay that the paper towel picked up just twice the amount the competitor's did.

You cannot take the truism that your paper towel is more absorbent and conflate that with its being twice as absorbent to mean it is two times more absorbent.

It's a false claim.

Boo!

Back to “Boo rah!” guy.

I listened self-satisfied to the ad one more time before polishing off this column and realized the ad includes the statement that the rehab hospital uses “10 times more specialists.”

Ugh. I guess no one is perfect.

Broadcast carefully!

• Jim Baumann is vice president/managing editor of the Daily Herald. Write him at jbaumann@dailyherald.com. Put Grammar Moses in the subject line. You also can friend or follow Jim at facebook.com/baumannjim.