Maybe it's best not to idealize, but remember the real person

I read an interesting essay in a little paperback book of daily messages and meditations written by Martha Hickman, "Healing after Loss" (2002). Here is the key idea:

"It is unwise, because it is untrue, to idealize the dead … We will spend a lot of needed energy keeping that illusion in place and we will not honor the vigor and truth of the one who died … The myth of perfection is hard to maintain. We do not need it …"

That appeared as the May 3 message in this thoughtful volume. So I've thought about this message several times over the last three months. I hadn't really thought about this matter before.

Well, I don't think I've idealized anyone who died - not when it comes to my beloved Baheej, nor my parents, nor my brothers Nic and Rex. Or any of my dear relatives and friends who are now gone.

Maybe because somehow instinctively I felt it wasn't necessary. All of us have our best and also lesser qualities. I certainly do, and I figure so does all humanity.

The point is: It's not needed for someone to have been perfect to be worthy of deep grief. But I can understand the temptation to idealize a dear one who died. We miss them so much, at times it's unbearable. And, of course, we vividly remember all their best qualities and our wonderful times together.

I suppose if idealization helps one manage grief, no harm done. But it's nice to know it's not necessary. I like the phrase of "the vigor and truth of the one who has died." I had a friend who said, "When you have a friend, you get the whole package." We accept and love the whole person. If we apply this to our beloveds as well, we can skip the idealization.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.