Grieving over our pet buddies
My sister Mary's beautiful cat, Delyla, died about a month ago. She was a sweet cat, and very regal in her appearance, a big rag doll breed who sat up at least 18 inches high. Delyla was a classic rag doll with big blue eyes and a longhair coat of tan with distinctive black markings.
She was an inside cat.
It's awful when a pet dies and, as pet people know, not everyone knows how to respond to your loss. So I feel I need to mention this every once in a while so friends may be reminded to be more sympathetic and helpful. We love our pets; often they are actually part of the family.
I live with cats, two of them. They are darlings. I've raised them from 3 months old. Sheba and Coffee Cat are strictly inside cats. It's safe in here with plenty of interesting things to do.
They have the run of the house, with places to jump, room to run, excellent food, toys, lots of windows to look out. Because it's so safe in homes, indoor cats live longer.
Many people have dogs, but for me, it's cats. My sister has always had both dogs and cats. I love dogs but don't know how to care for them. I know how to take care of cats. Well, at least I do now. I have an extensive cat-care library!
Recently I found a wonderful little book on the death of a pet: "A Place in my Heart: When Our Pets Die," by Barbara Karnes (bkbooks.com, 2018). It explains what to expect, how to recognize a pet's impending death, and how similar a pet's dying is to human dying. Basically it's about grief over a loved pet. It made me cry.
Karnes gives good advice on how to protect yourself from and deal with some of the insensitive things - even comments well-meaning people may say to you when your pet dies. She points out that it is usually people who've never had a pet who say such unsympathetic words.
She also offers a sensitive and balanced discussion of euthanasia, i.e., putting a suffering or dying pet "to sleep." Without judgment, she plainly states the pros and cons. There's also a helpful section on pet burial and cremation.
Karnes warns us that we can expect great grief when a beloved pet dies, and recommends her own mini-book, "My Friend, I Care: The Grief Experience" (bkbooks.com) to help cope with and manage one's grief over a pet, which in her experience can be every bit as intense as any grief.
I have never had to face the death of a pet personally because my kitties are the first pets I've had and they are only 10. (My mother and sister took care of our childhood cat.) Many inside cats, with the right environment, food and attention, can live into their 20s, barring an accident, or a illness such as heart attack.
The point is: My sister Mary has lost many pets over the years, so has had to cope with grief over a pet many times. It doesn't get any easier. Just a year or so ago she lost two greatly loved little dogs. Terrible. She has framed paintings of each of them, so she sees and remembers them daily.
And now Delyla.
She has some wonderful photos of Delyla. Photos are a comfort. Grief counselors advise us to put out photos of the one who died so we think of their happiness in life. I think this helps with pets, too.
I was going to send Mary a copy of Karnes' book on the death of a pet. But sadly she knows all about this topic. And if it made me cry, perhaps it's not good timing. I'll send it later. So I'm just going to take care of my kitties the best I can, and hope for the best.
• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com.