'Grief is for grieving' means this emotion has a purpose

By Susan Anderson-Khleif

Seneca, the ancient philosopher (65 A.D.), wrote: "Grief is for grieving." That it is not a problem to be solved. I feel there is a lot of wisdom in this point of view.

Grief is a natural part of life and comes to us all, sooner or later.

Seneca wrote a lot about this topic. He advised us to "confront" grief, not sweep it under the rug, so to speak. We should be allowed to grieve as needed, not muffle it up or try to ignore it.

One of his essays was about two women who faced grief and handled it very differently. He seems to have used this essay to contrast two possible reactions, or outcomes, after the death of a loved one.

One person was pretty stuck in her grief. She couldn't cope. His advice to her was to try to focus on the whole life and all the good qualities and contributions of her beloved - not just focus on the death. And he discussed how suppressed and pent-up grief was harmful to the survivor.

The other woman was coping with her grief, which was a very different reaction than the first woman. She was very pained and sad but was still finding ways to manage. She was coping. She was figuring out how to sustain a new and hopeful life after the death of her beloved. She was finding a path, finding a positive way of living, although bereaved.

Just think, almost 2,000 years ago Seneca understood and recommended what we must try to do in the face of grief.

Again, to emphasize - he recommended we "confront" grief, not cover it over or avoid it. Better to come to grips with it - accept it as part of life. Don't deny it.

But today, as a society, we are still struggling with death denial. Instead of denial or suppression, we should be able to say the names out loud, say we miss him/her - whether a partner, friend, child, parent - without our friends trying to change the topic.

The point is: I think we can take a proactive role in rejecting "death denial" by mentioning the name of our loved ones who have died. Tell our stories and relive our memories when we feel like doing so, or when it is important to us. Let's avoid euphemisms.

Seneca was right. We can confront our grief. We can call death what it is - death. Being real is a good self-defense in grief. We can find positive ways to manage.

I always say to myself that Baheej would expect me to take this approach. He knows I love him and miss him. We can do both.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a doctorate in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan.