Take small, positive steps toward a new normal

Most who have lost a dear one have a particularly hard time of year. Mine is from June 22 to mid-August.

This year, I was wondering - will this intense time ever go away?

Is there something I could do, or can be done, to get by without all the sad memories and reliving the time of my dear husband's stroke and death? Or that my dear brother also died in this time period?

I think the answer might be "no."

Unfortunately, I do not think there is any one thing you can do that will make long-term grief go away. It fades a bit, maybe, but it's still there, right below the surface.

And it surfaces easily. Just the dates will do it for me - June 22, 26, July 11, 13, 16, 18, 23.

So I do believe the best we can do are the little daily positive activities that count up and help us be more cheerful. A nice walk, a telephone chat with a friend, a nice dinner out, a pretty view, a walk in the garden, a little celebration of happy things, some nice future plans. These are your best defenses against long-term grief, I know.

I practice them myself.

Some examples:

• On July 23, my husband Baheej's birthday, I gave a little birthday supper for a dear friend of his (and mine) who has the same birthday. I cooked some dishes I thought she would like and that Baheej would like.

• I gave some special attention and affection to my kitties; Baheej would surely love them as I do.

• I thought of how during just this last year two new great-grandchildren, and two new great-nephews entered my life. The new generation is arriving and brings lots of joy.

• I went to a pleasant and delicious lunch at a favorite restaurant where Baheej and I went often, Dominick's Italian Restaurante in West Dundee. Nice because they know him and remember him.

• I ran errands to local places where the merchants also remember Baheej. That's simple but comforting.

• I got my airline ticket to New Hampshire for our annual Khleif Family and Friends reunion this October. We are going to have a big turnout this year.

• And it's also helpful to think how your beloved mother, father, friend, or spouse would want you to be living. Probably they would want you to be having a nice life. Missing them, yes, but not wallowing or wasting away.

So do little activities, and think good thoughts to cheer yourself up. Be open to the nice things in your current life.

After all is said and done, life is pretty short (even though we usually live much longer these days). So we should try to enjoy each day.

I always joke that the baby boomers think we will live forever. But that's pretty true - with modern medicine and the prosperity after World War II we think life will be long. We grew up in positive times - times of good changes, good education and new opportunities. And just naturally we thought it would last forever.

So enjoy while you can and keep all your happy memories to comfort you. Concentrate on building an everyday life that can sustain you - even after the death of a beloved when many or even everything has changed. You can do it. It's about taking steps in the positive direction, not just one big leap.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan/.