Dealing with unfinished business, words unspoken

In grief, there are often things leftover, undone - an unfulfilled promise, a loving message not said, an apology not given, a favor not done, an invitation not given, an argument not resolved, a mistake not corrected.

This can be a source of regret, blame, and self-recrimination.

My father died while I was on a business trip to Brazil. We were very close - I suppose I was a daddy's girl. I still feel I should have gone to visit him in Denver before that trip - he was in the hospital after a knee replacement.

Somehow, I just never thought my parents would die. They had both recovered from many medical crises, so I just figured he'd be OK. As it turns out, he never really came out of the anesthesia, and he died.

Sometimes it isn't feeling bad about something undone, but some people feel guilty because they experience a sense of relief, along with the sadness, over a death - for instance, after a long and painful terminal illness, or exhaustion as a care giver, or after a rocky relationship in life. Relief brings guilt.

These kinds of feelings are not uncommon, and they really intensify grief.

But now what to do about those feelings?

One big problem is closure. After the person is gone, there seems no way to address the leftovers - the unsaid, the not-done, the not-settled, the unresolved.

This matter of closure is sometimes actually rooted in the need to know what happened - could be medical, could be wanting to know the cause of an accident, could be getting justice if there was a crime or negligence involved. Or something you personally could have done differently.

Seeking closure is one reason for elaborate funerals, memorial services, or celebrations of life - they bring extra support that helps.

There is no easy answer to the question, "What to do now?" But here is some advice:

• I found a good grief counselor to help me work through the death of my father. It helped a lot.

• Look inside yourself. The answer might be there.

• Perhaps in grief you have exaggerated your regrets.

• Maybe there is a way to resolve the underlying guilt and attain closure by working with a relative or taking the advice of a friend.

• Keep your promises in life.

• Know your priorities, put first things first.

• Act now, don't put everything off to later. Start addressing issues with others as they arise to minimize repetition.

• Just be kind and help others when you can.

We are not perfect and all make mistakes, but most can be corrected by doing better in the future. And not being too hard on yourself.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Ander

son-Kleif-Susan/.