Becoming rigid and inflexible cuts you off from support

Ibsen, the great Norwegian playwright, wrote a play called "Brand." I saw it performed in Stockholm. (But if you read the play in English beforehand, it's possible to follow along and understand).

The theme is that a man named Brand was so rigid in his beliefs and behavior that he felt he could no longer live with regular society. So he moved up into the mountains with his trumpet.

And he lived up there alone, playing his trumpet, which I suppose was a symbol for sounding off about his rigid beliefs on how to live, how to think, and act. And up there alone, he had no opposition.

So even though his mother came up pleading with him to come home and back into regular village life, he stayed there in the mountains - freezing cold, without company, he died up there in the snow clutching his trumpet. All because of his rigidity and inflexibility.

This image stuck in my head. And I have the play poster framed in my garage. So every time I park the car, I'm reminded that rigidity is not good.

Turns out for most of us that not everyone shares our ideas, politics, favorite foods, preferences, chosen activities, feelings, interests, or habits.

But there are lots of good ideas "out there" besides our own, and other activities that are fun - even if you've never done them before.

We can get very set in our ways and attached to our own ideas. Of course one must uphold basic principles of humanity, honesty, integrity. But "my way" is not always justified and usually not "the only way."

You have heard the cliché, "my way or the highway." Well … it's not a fruitful position.

Some danger signs of harmful rigidity:

• Clinging so much to the past, that you can't see a future.

• Saying, "I'd never do that, never go there, never eat that, I don't, I won't. All warning signs of rigidity.

• Refusing to even consider well intentioned advice. You always have the final say on what to do, whether or not to accept advice, so no harm to be more open, or at least listen.

• Isolation. Living in a "bubble" of your own ideas and biases. Not good.

Basically, we may "close down" as a kind of self protection, but this doesn't really work, and doesn't help. It may even encapsulate a person in grief.

Systems theory shows us that there is usually more than one way to get to a goal or a destination. Even our car or cellphone GPS demonstrates this basic reality.

If you use GPS, and you make a wrong turn you will hear the phrase "recalculating." Then, you get a new set of directions that gets you back on track.

Well, a "systems perspective" is very useful and applies to all sorts of situations in life.

In grief, we are very vulnerable, and there are many sidetracks and potential wrong turns. If we are rigid and inflexible, it is very hard to cope with death, and especially in the case of long-term grief where we must manage for the rest of a lifetime.

So the point is: Try hard to keep or cultivate flexibility and beware of "brand-like" rigidity. We will stand a better chance to manage and cope with grief over the long run. Many aspects of life have changed, maybe almost everything, but we must adapt for our own health and those around us.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan/.