Where some see coincidence, others see sign of loved one's presence
There is a debate about whether an unexpected experience is a "coincidence" or a "sign."
This interests me because I get "signs" - something that happens that makes you feel the spirit of your loved one is nearby, comforting you or communicating.
There is a whole discussion about whether the experience is just a coincidence, a view based on rationality - probability theory, which I understand.
So the fact that five friends wrote to tell me they have the same birthday as my dear husband Baheej seems like a sign to me. But it is also probable, because there are only 365 days in the year and millions of people are born.
Perhaps, while you're digging through old papers in the garage, something unexpected falls into your hand. Or cloud formations remind you of happy experiences with your loved one. Or my kitties were born two weeks after Baheej died and he knew I wanted kittens. Coincidences or signs?
I wrote about experiencing signs in an earlier column. Today, I am here to say they are still occurring.
On Christmas, a friend was having a beer at my house and got a glass from the cupboard. It brought a smile to my face because it was really a flower vase.
It was the same flower vase my father selected as a beer glass in 1994 when my parents were visiting us from Denver. I took that as a sign my father's spirit was here to comfort me on Christmas Day. I have dozens of glasses on shelves and in cupboards around the house, so I think the probability that Rich would select that flower vase as his beer glass is pretty minuscule.
I got another sign from a friend from the past. Sheila did a seminar for my staff in 2008, and I haven't talked to or seen her since. On Christmas Eve she read my column on grief and healing for the first time and wrote to me. Her son had recently died and she appreciated the content and also read my blog. She thought it was a sign that she noticed the column because she was very sad that day and said the column was helpful.
I consider that a double sign - one for her and one for me. I think there was a low probability that she would have noticed my column for the first time so shortly after their son's death, and on Christmas, which is a stressful time for the bereaved. That was not just a coincidence.
Another sign, obvious to me, happened last summer. I had to have a new roof after wind damage, which was a very expensive proposition. The insurance inspector came out on Aug. 16 and gave me the good news that the insurance would cover the cost, except for the deductible. What a break. Well, Aug. 16 is the day we buried my dear husband Baheej, six years before. I was sure this was not a coincidence - it was a sign from Baheej that his typical good luck is watching out for me and helping me.
A recent sign came to me when I was contacted by a favorite former student of my husband from 25 years ago. He had been thinking of Baheej and looked him up to see if he was still teaching at Massachusetts State University in Worcester. Baheej had a big impact on him and we had attended his wedding. He found out Baheej had died, found my column and blog, and wrote to me. He discovered that my very first column was published on his own birthday, May 14, and with a photo of Baheej as he remembered him. Now, that's a sign out of the blue.
Signs are out there if you are receptive to them. They say that if you are spiritual, or religious, or open, or simply aware of your surroundings, you are more likely to recognize "coincidences" to be "signs." Signs are comforting because they remind you that the spirit of your loved one is around and keeping you company, and wishing you well.
• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at www.dailyherald.com/topics/Anderson-Kleif-Susan/.