Cars and houses are good distractions

Cars and houses keep you grounded in everyday life, the so-called "real world." And oddly this helps with long-term grief. Strange but true.

Having to take care of practical tasks, along with taking care of your pets, grocery shopping, work, family, cooking, social occasions - all keep you grounded in regular day-to-day life. Life is good.

My most recent house-holding surprise was in November when a huge "thunder snow" storm hit our area. This is a winter storm with thunder and lightening, high winds, and lots of snow instead of rain.

Well, this one hit one of my big silver maples in the front yard. It broke off one of its three trunks, 40-feet tall, and sent it crashing across the road. Now that sort of household task will get your attention!

Village public works came out in the middle of the night to saw up the part blocking the road. Now, not all household distractions are this dramatic.

In a recent "car distraction" episode, I had to call the Triple A to "unlock" the steering wheel of Hamza, our/my "antique" car.

This time I learned a lot about how to unlock the steering wheel and why it locks up. Seems I have a car where the key should be left in the ignition. Must learn the tricks. Oh cars …

Also a recent roof replacement was a big project, but it was needed, not withstanding it should have lasted another 10 years. I found a great company, R. Celeste Construction, to do it. Got assessment by insurance - wind damage. Turned out fine. Unplanned expense, but there you are - a major "distraction." Oh houses …

The point is all these normal "problems" keep one engaged in everyday life because you must take care of them.

It reminds me of the first year after the death of my dear husband, Baheej, when there were so many things to "take care of" and "to do" that they tempered the initial grief with "busyness."

In an odd way, it feels productive to take care of these tasks. Anything that grounds you in normal life is positive. True.

Actually the whole issue about "having to take care of everything yourself" is a big deal. Most people who suffer the loss of a spouse or a parent know this. All of a sudden, you are in charge of everything. And it doesn't stop. You are "it."

A dear friend and I often talk about this. She lost her husband a year and a half before my Baheej. Sometimes "taking care of everything" is a bit overwhelming. Like when you are "wheeling out" garbage cans in the dark of winter.

Running a household by yourself, instead of two people sharing the tasks, is a whole different reality. Seek help, and there are many services out there.

If you lost a parent, and live nearby, you are now the main contact for your surviving parent, or the main person handling the will and estate or their house. You are now "it" in many ways. A parent alone needs daily contact, you may need to find household help for your mother or father. You may need to manage a move to a new place for him/her to live. It's a lot. But oddly it's a diversion from grief.

In the long run, your life has changed. Very much. Maybe everything. So your own adjustment is part of managing long-term grief.

In my case, some "little things" proved to be big and confusing. My dear husband took care of lots - he did all the grocery shopping, was a great cook, he found our house cleaners, he took care of car maintenance and repair when needed, he filled my days with affection and happiness. I did part of it, too - banking, taxes, holidays, household accounts, meal planning, family gatherings, entertaining, daily upkeep, fun times together.

I still don't like to do grocery shopping, but I do it. Not bad once I'm there in the store, pretty fruits and vegetables.

So the point is - let the everyday distractions of cars and houses, even "doing it all yourself," and the many demands of "regular life"help you manage long-term grief.

Life goes on and I think our dear ones would want us to have a good day.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at DailyHerald.anderson-khleif.