Managing during the holidays
Christmas Day, after everyone goes home or is asleep, or the next morning, I look under the tree for the gifts I've put there for my dear husband Baheej. He died about six years ago.
People say Christmas joy is enhanced by traditions and by children - and of course a child's excitement, anticipation, and enjoyment is contagious. I clearly remember lying down by the tree with my siblings and imagining what could be in the pretty gift packages, admiring the tree and the decorations - a sort of holiday dreamland.
But this holiday was not just for children. It was my husband's favorite holiday. He made lots of fuss over it for me and I did for him.
And, as we know, Christmas cannot only be a special time of joy, but also a difficult time of sadness if you've lost a dear one, even if it was years ago.
The holiday is bound to intensify old memories and make you miss your loved one. Nothing can fill the void, but there are some little actions you can do to remember - and these might lighten grief in the present, and turn attention to happier times.
• Look at some old photos. I'm going to make an album with sample photos of Christmas from over the years.
• Cook some of your loved one's favorite holiday dishes. Maybe he/she will know and smile.
• Say a prayer or, if not religious, think a happy thought or of a happy time.
• Be with family and/or friends on the day.
• Help with the preparations
• Take some photos. Good to make some new memories.
• Volunteer, help someone less fortunate
• Accept help from others. It's good to both give and receive.
• Enjoy your pets who are also enjoying the holiday.
• Have some secret rituals that make you feel better.
What I do is not for everyone, but it makes me feel better. I put a couple festively wrapped gifts under the tree for my dear husband Baheej - little gifts that he would like such as a new rooster figurine his office "zoo" collection.
I started this the first Christmas four months after his death because I already had some gifts squirreled away, (since I shop during the whole year, not at the last minute.)
So I've just kept up the tradition. This reminds me that his spirit is still here with me. I unwrap the gifts for him. No one knows - until now!
Do something this holiday that makes you more cheerful.
Merry Christmas!
• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at DailyHerald.anderson-khleif.