Oh, oh, the holidays are here
Holidays are tricky times for managing grief. And we are now entering a big holiday season — Thanksgiving through New Year's Day.
Big holidays trigger many emotions, memories, and feelings — all while cooking or attending big group dinners and other associated activities and parties. It's a ripe time for people to say “the wrong thing.”
Unfortunately the Thanksgiving table is sometimes the setting for discussing old grievances or political differences, and brings up memories of the lost loved one.
Long-term grief is usually just lurking below the surface of the bereaved and can emerge rather easily.
A person could be reminded by a setting, a smell, a story. This is so, even if the memory is a pleasant one from a happy time, or if nothing very hurtful is really intended.
In our culture, where most people are not very savvy about how to maneuver around sensitive feelings related to death, it's easy to disturb feelings of grief that are usually kept in check.
Many people say Thanksgiving is their favorite holiday because it's a family-focused holiday — no gifts, just being together and having a special meal.
My husband Baheej loved Thanksgiving, especially the food. We always did Nazareth-style cooking, including stuffing the turkey with the Nazareth hashweh, which is rice, ground lamb, pine nuts, and spiced with cinnamon, allspice, and a little nutmeg.
He liked us to host the banquet and that also ensured he'd have all his favorite foods. So I'm among those who get sentimental over Thanksgiving.
I have two daughters-in-law who know how to do a proper Thanksgiving with loving atmosphere, pretty table and luscious food. So I have enjoyed Thanksgivings at their houses. I look forward to this week's celebration.
In recent years my friend Diane has done beautiful Thanksgiving dinners at her home with her sweet family, and included me.
But even for those of us who love this season, the holidays can be difficult.
So, one must be careful about emotions and grief on these big winter holidays. Be careful about ruffled feelings, sentimental memories, and old family disputes or problems. And be aware of things you can do to ease the holiday season for yourself or others.
Some ideas and practical advice:
• The first thing is to make nice preparations, make a traditional meal. Many restaurants will cook it for you with all the “trimmings”and then you just pick it up and add a few old family favorites. And good bakeries make excellent pies. So if you don't cook, pick it up.
• Go if you are invited. It's easier to manage grief with company around you. Don't be isolated.
• It is OK to eat out at a restaurant even though you are not used to it.
• Be aware of the bereaved in your group, not just the recent but those who lost a dear one years ago.
• Try your best to enjoy the gathering whether at home, at a friend's house, or in a restaurant. This would actually be a thoughtful tribute to the one you have lost and is not here with you this Thanksgiving.
• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com. See previous columns at DailyHerald.anderson-khleif.