Acts of remembering can be soothing

There are certain days when many people go visit the gravesite of their loved one.

It could be Memorial Day in the spring, or a birthday, an anniversary, another meaningful date, or Veterans Day, or just seasonal visits to plant and water flowers.

In my case, I do an October visit, timed with our annual Khleif family reunion in New Hampshire where the Khleif family plot is located.

My dear sister and brother-in-law had the foresight to buy a large plot there 45 years ago, long before anybody died. Of course I know Baheej's spirit is not there - he is here with me and visiting our children, and his brothers, and our grandchildren, nieces and nephews, and friends, but I still like to go.

It's a pretty cemetery, fairly small, set among old trees that turn lovely colors in October. I'm sure Baheej would appreciate the lovely setting in nature.

Memorial Day at the town cemetery was an annual event when I was a kid in post World War II America. There was a big parade, then all went to the cemetery which was like a community gathering.

People made visits to friends' graves, not just their own family. There was food, music, speeches, chatting with friends. I still remember The "grave etiquette" we were all taught - walk around edges, not on the grave, no running. There were not many cremations in those days in Northern Minnesota, so almost every family had some loved one buried there.

Up in New Hampshire, my name is already there (won't be needed any time soon of course!). But it's comforting to know that is the place - a placeholder so to speak. Comforting in an odd way, I suppose. But not unusual.

In Durham, New Hampshire, my sister-in-law Noelle and friend Pat go in spring and early fall to plant or tend the flowers on our respective family plots, and in summer to water plants. So sweet of them. Noelle's brother is also buried there.

Some people do not go to a cemetery, but do a special activity on a certain day - a family gathering, a special meal, or an excursion or visit to a special place or view their loved one enjoyed.

So the point is - these ritual acts of remembering are soothing and worth doing. Cemeteries are usually set in pretty places in nature, well-kept, park-like, tranquil. And they contain a lot of city, town, or village history. In Italy the gravesite usually has a portrait of the person buried there, in a sealed frame to protect from the weather. This creates a nice personal touch to the cemetery. They do the same in Mexico.

Days of remembrance are loving occasions that help the bereaved with long-term grief.

• Susan Anderson-Khleif of Sleepy Hollow has a Ph.D. in family sociology from Harvard, taught at Wellesley College, and is a retired Motorola executive. Contact her at sakhleif@comcast.net or see her blog longtermgrief.tumblr.com.